Suicide Is Not The Way Out

By the time I reached junior high, I began becoming disillusioned with the whole God-thing. My dad became more and more involved in his work. It seemed like he was angry with me all the time. He was unpredictable. At the time I felt like I couldn't do anything right to please him. Feeling disillusioned with my relationship to my dad and therefore God, unfortunately I turned to the world for love and acceptance. All I ended up doing was making my problems worse. The world had nothing substantial to offer, only further heartache and pain. 

As I entered high school, I found myself running with the wrong crowd, trying to find acceptance, along with getting into drugs, alcohol and sexual immorality. I became even more disillusioned. 

Looking back, I can see how God intervened through some sincere Christians. I was invited by Brent Nelson (peer from school) to go to a Young Life meeting at his house, (Young Life is a high school ministry to reach kids for Christ). I went and found people accepting and friendly. I signed up to go to this camp called Malibu that upcoming summer, located up in Canada, north of Vancouver, BC.

When I went to camp that summer, I heard the gospel for the first time, at least in terms that I could understand. I was raised Catholic, but really never understood the whole commitment/relationship thing, and thought that just because I went to church and did all the right things, I was somehow right with God. But I didn't feel right with God. I wasn't living a clean life. I struggled with the gospel. I didn't feel like I deserved God's love, and that I didn't measure up. So at the time, I didn't come to Christ. His pursuit of me didn't stop there. When I came back from camp, I returned to all my old friends. I got back in the same crowd and found myself struggling again, doing the same things. 

Latter that same summer, several times I took the drug, 'angle dust' or 'PCP', which is a very dangerous hallucinogenic. This was my attempt to escape reality and the pain I felt inside. Then by the time school started and I was back doing the same self-destructive things. I found myself becoming more and more depressed. I began this spiral down into a deeper and deeper depression. 

In my depression, I started asking myself: What's the point in living? I felt unloved and unlovable. That's when I began to feel suicidal; I didn't want to live anymore. At the same time I was afraid to take my life. I was afraid of ending up in hell according to my religious upbringing. I felt ambivalent. 

Then one night around 3 am, after having attended a party, I found myself sitting on a sidewalk downtown, crying my eyes out. I didn't want to live anymore. I was in a lot of emotional pain. At that point I felt desperate and had to call someone, so I reached out to a Young Life Leader name Joe Kempston, whom I had met at camp that summer. He was the only one I could think of who I felt who cared about me in a sincere way. 

I called him at home - yes at 3 am - and he came and picked me up and took me to Denny's for a cup of coffee. What a guy! (Sort of like Clarence, the guardian angel to the Jimmy Stewart character in the movie, 'It's a Wonderful life.' By the way, it's a good movie to see, about the how valuable your life really is).  I remember I couldn't keep from crying, my eyes were so water filled. We talked and then he drove me home. That was the turn around point for me. The gospel just became real to me. Not as much as by what he said, but by what he did. 

I thought to myself: Perhaps I am loveable. Perhaps I am acceptable, and worthwhile. I felt this hope inside and I reached out to God. I had this booklet I received on steps to being right with God. My life took a serious turn, 180 degrees. It was radical at the time. I stopped using drugs. I stopped running with the wrong crowd. This was indeed a good change of events. However, for me, it was too radical all at once. In my case, I ended up going the opposite extreme of depression and became euphoric and started having grandiose thinking. I was in a bipolar psychological state. (Today, I link a lot of what took place to taking PCP.)

One night I found myself acting really bizarre - literally thinking I was going to be a rock star. My parents were concerned and decided to take me to the ER. I was admitted to the hospital and went up to the psych ward. At the time I didn't realize what was happening. Then things really got bizarre. They gave me some medication to calm me down, which caused me to go from euphoria to a deep depression within minutes. It was really weird, like being on an emotional roller coaster. It was like I had no control of my emotions. A little later that night, I went to bed on the hospital ward. 

At this point things got strange. It's difficult to explain, but I can remember the details like it happened yesterday. Without going into too much detail, what took place was basically a battle for my soul between God and Satan. (Just like everyone) Guess who won? No surprise, since the Bible says that Jesus destroyed the power of Satan through His death and resurrection. I was very scared at the time. Scared - because when I went to bed I felt like dying again. Here's where the roller coaster went for a drop-down into the valley of the shadow of death, so to speak. 

I began crying and then found myself crying uncontrollably to the point of yelling and I began to lose consciousness, like someone jumping off a cliff. I felt like the life was being pulled out of me. At that point I really had no control. Next, some medical staff ran into my room and flipped on the lights. I sat up in bed, and this voice came out of me saying, 'He's mine, leave him alone!' 

It was like being in the back seat of a car, just observing what was going on. That voice wasn't of God. It was Satan's last hurrah. It was frightening to say the least. At that point the medical staff gave me an injection of medication to calm me down. Next thing I knew, I was fast asleep, and remember waking up the next day drained from all the emotional upheaval. 

I spent 10 days in the hospital, recovering. They put me on Lithium to control my bipolar behavior. 

During that time, I called out to Jesus. 'Please help me; Save me!' I felt secure knowing the Holy Spirit was there to comfort and protect me from Satan's power. 

I recovered enough after 10 days to go home. I soon returned to school and tried to get back to normalcy. I gave my life to Jesus and enjoyed my new found friendship. I hung around new friends and began this life-long journey of following Jesus. I got into some good fellowship with other believers. It wasn't all a bed of roses. I went through ups and downs for a number of years.

Emotional healing is a process. I was on Lithium for my bipolar condition for about a year. I stayed in psychotherapy and on antidepressants for 3-4yrs. I went on to college and finally stabilized and was able to get off medication. I dealt with some bitterness issues with regard to my earthly father. 

My relationship with Christ blossomed as I grew to understand that God loved me for who I was, not because of anything I could do to try to prove my worthiness. I came to this conclusion: Our greatest love for God is to accept His love for us.

NO - I'm not worthy of God's love based on what I do, but I am worthwhile enough in God's site to receive His free gift of love for me (and so are you) because of what He completed on the cross. 

I recall this song by the late Keith Green that rings true then as it does today:

'My son, My son (or daughter), why are you striving? You can't add one thing to what's been done for you. I did it all while I was dying. Rest in your faith and My peace will come to you!'

That's where I am today. Resting in my faith! Faith in the fact that God loves me because of who He is (love), not based on anything I do or don't do. The same goes for each and every one of us, including you. 

I encourage everyone to let down their pride of trying to prove that God should love you because, and humbly accept the free gift of love from the author of love. 

I'll close with this song by Julie Miller that pretty much says it all:

'HOW COULD YOU SAY NO' (By: Julie Miller)

Thorns on his head, spear in his side

Yet it was a heartache that made him cry 

He gave his life so you would understand 

Is there any way you could say no to this man 

If Christ himself were standing here 

Face full of glory and eyes full of tears 

And he held out his arms and his nail printed hands 

Is there any way you could say no to this man

How could you look in his tear-stained eyes 

Knowing it's you he's thinking of

Could you tell him you're not ready to give him your life?

Could you say you don't think you need his love

Jesus is here with his arms open wide 

You can see him with your heart if you'll stop looking with your eyes 

He's left it up to you, he's done all that he can

Is there any way you could say no to this man 

How could you look in his tear-stained eyes 

Knowing it's you he's thinking of 

Could you tell him you're not ready to give him your life

Could you say you don't think you need his love

Thorns on his head your life in his hands

Is there any way you could say no to this man 

Is there any way you could say no to this man

Sincerely Yours, Doug Bunge (Email:

Dear Reader - are you at peace with God?  If not, you can be. Do you know what awaits you when you die? You can have the assurance from God that heaven will be your home, if you would like to be certain. You can even have that assurance RIGHT NOW!  Either Jesus Christ died for your sins, or He didn't (He did!). Are you prepared to stand before God on the Judgment Day and tell Him that you didn't need the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the Cross to have your sins forgiven and get in right-standing with God? We plead with you...please don't make such a tragic mistake. 

To get to know God, to be at peace with God, to have your sins forgiven, to make certain heaven will be your home for eternity, to make certain that you are in right-standing with God right now ... please click here to help you understand the importance of being reconciled to God. What you do about being reconciled to God will determine where you will spend eternity, precious one. Your decision to be reconciled to God is the most important decision you'll ever make in this life, because in Christ, it is impossible to put a value on the worth of your soul in light of eternity.


JESUS DID IT! and...


Remember: All that we do in this life comes back to our God-given purpose which is to serve and glorify God. The money and assets we accumulate, the fame and power we've attained or seek to attain - all of the things of this nature will one day pass away, but those lives of others we impact for Jesus Christ will last for eternity, and we will be rewarded for the part we helped play by impacting those lives ... for eternity. (Matthew 6:19-21 is our assurance)