I Was Blind,
but Now I SEE!

I want to start by sharing a little bit of my childhood, my life on the run from The Lord...focusing on how living a life without Jesus (leaning on my own understanding) was leading me down a path of destruction and my children too. I want to touch a bit on what teaching I was brought up with…believing “once saved always saved” and  because of believing that lie, I became “religious” for years, and it kept me blind spiritually so I wasn’t able to see the evil schemes of the enemy (satan) warring for my soul and my children’s.

What I mean by being religious is going through the motion of works, trying to “buy” God’s favor, while ignoring His voice to do your own thing, your own way. Rebellion against His voice deep inside of us is how we, like sheep “go astray” the Bible says. “Rebellion is the sin of witchcraft, control, stubbornness, is idolatry, self love, above the Love of God, and love for others.”

I always believed God was real (we all have the knowledge of God in our conscience because we are made in His image.)  

Because of sin, “all we like sheep have gone astray to do our own thing our own way.” Like deep inside we know what we should do, we just don’t. We play dumb instead. Jesus came as a man, suffered and died on The Cross as an atoning sacrifice for the sins of the world; He was buried in a tomb, rose again on the Third day, and ascended to heaven until the day of judgement on the whole world. 

We all carry the burden of the violation of conscience in our soul, and it hardens our heart, but we go into the bondage of darkness when we do that. This is why I want to give you my story of how that played out in my life.

I want to share what Jesus did for me, once I was done running, humbled myself, and repented for everything. (All the darkness in my soul I was desperate to avoid.) Believe me when I say….it’s more than just saying the sinners prayer! I had to get real honest with The Lord because he wanted ALL of me!!  

Then I want to share the importance of being obedient to the voice of The Spirit, being teachable and walking it out. *It’s a daily walk*.  Jesus said something important…. “you won’t even know what’s true until you do it”, obey His voice.  When you ignore it, not only do we pay for it, so does everyone we touch in our life. Other people pay for OUR rebellion! There’s power in our words, and there’s power in our actions. We get to choose which power we want to be a part of….which kingdom do we want to be in? …God's kingdom? …or Satan's kingdom?  

In Matthew 16:25, He says “For whoever wishes to save his life [in this world] will [eventually] lose it [through death], but whoever loses his life [in this world] for My sake will find it [that is, life with Me for all eternity].”

“There is a way that seems right to a man but the end of that is death.” Most people that call themselves Christians I have met don’t actually believe that, I didn’t either, until I touched it, in reality in mine.

1 Peter 5:8 says “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:”

I know I’m not the only one who had a rough childhood, so I don’t want to focus too much on that.  My mom and dad were very young when I was born, and they didn’t know how to be good parents for me and my siblings because they had a rough upbringing themselves.  ***** Parent’s who don’t understand how to hear God’s voice and do it themselves, can’t teach children to do what they don’t understand or do themselves.

One thing we don’t realize, because we think it’s easier to point the finger at people who hurt us, and bad circumstances in our life (blaming God) but everyone has a past, so many people are lost and broken. Nobody knows what others are facing in their lives, or what they’re running from, so we really should be kind to people, Always! I realize now, how could I even believe God would have mercy on me when I was so merciless towards others? My parents didn’t have the best upbringing, so they weren’t able to help me or my siblings either. The help? Learning how to hear God's still small voice. That inner knowledge of God that makes us feel bad when we do what we know we shouldn't. That is how the devil wreaks havoc in all of our lives if we disobey The voice.

The struggles and insecurities I endured all throughout my life, and NOT having an understanding of who Jesus Is, was why I felt defeated. No one can really feel secure inside when they ignore God's voice to do their own thing. I Spent my whole life blaming everybody else for everything. I didn’t see a need or want to look inside myself, so when I became a mom, my children endured a lot of hurt as well, and In my ignorant way of thinking, and the example I exhibited, it taught them to blame others and God for their problems too. See the pattern? Self-pity, seeing myself as a victim, has been a generational curse of bitterness, that Just about killed my great-grandfather. I was able to witness my grandmother break free from that. My parents didn’t have righteous judgement because they were so religious, and weren’t walking with The Lord themselves. We also reap everything we sow in life (good, or bad). So we can go to church and still live rebellious inwardly, and going to church isn't the fix. This is why when you outwardly conform, but don't inwardly get understanding, it makes you more bitter and angry with God, and everyone around you pays the price.

Galatians 6:7-8 says, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”

Job 4:8, “As I have observed, those who plow evil and those who sow trouble reap it.”

Matthew 13:24, “Jesus told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field.”

*Luke 8 is a parable about the sower*. The seeds we sow are the very spirit of our words. When we don't judge that the spirit of our words become our destruction, and destructive to others, we will reap exactly what we’ve sown. This is what I didn't want to judge…and because of The very spirit of my words not being life, I got to "taste" the destruction of that.  

I became a mom at the age of 19. The man who I spent 5 years dating on and off was very abusive verbally and physically, and my anger towards him, fueled his fire of rage. From the beginning of this relationship, my dad had warned me multiple times this guy wasn’t good for me. I just thought my dad didn’t want me to be happy, and I was angry with him. Looking back, I realized deep inside I had a warning too, but ignored it to get my needs met. 

I ran from The Lord because I didn’t care about anybody but myself. I was ignoring my conscience and blowing off The Holy Ghost and doing what I wanted. Our house had been burglarized and it was because I allowed a bunch of druggies in our home. All the evil I was sowing in my life because of running from God meant I was following the wrong king in the wrong kingdom (Kingdom of Satan) There was so much that went on, and because I was on the run from God, my life was FULL of darkness. Running by willfully ignoring the spirit in the words of my mouth and others.
 

"My people perish due to lack of understanding." It means we rot from the inside out when we  close our eyes and ears to truth.

Proverbs 17:11, “Evildoers foster rebellion against God; the messenger of death will be sent against them.” Little did I know this would turn into my reality one day.

Isaiah 58:13-14 says, if you care about what you do everyday, and give up just thinking your own thoughts, and speaking your own words, you can get out of great darkness, and ride the high places of the earth instead of living in dark places, serving the wrong King (satan) for God's words and His thoughts are the light we need to get out of the darkness that is now covering the earth.

When my son was 4 yrs old I decided to pack up our belongings in my tiny car and leave California to get away from the hell of darkness we lived in. Again I was on the run, the darkness in me was still chasing me…I left blaming everybody and everything. It's the only thing we can do when we ignore God's voice. We default by blaming God and everyone else. The devil deceived me into believing my dad hated me, everybody hated me, and the reason our house was burglarized was because of the neighborhood. I didn't want to face what I was reaping, the whirlwind as the Word of God says due to sowing to the wind.

We headed to Montana where a lot of my family lived, and we moved in with my mom and stepdad. It didn’t take long for me to move on and find another man I could use to get my needs met (idolatry). Jeremiah 17 talks about the tremendous curse of putting our trust in man. It also describes the great blessings we could have by putting our trust really in the Lord. This guy used me to get what he wanted also, and then a few weeks later, it ended. I called him months later when I found out I was pregnant to tell him, and he said he wanted nothing to do with the baby and I should have an abortion. That was the end of that conversation, because I don’t believe in abortion in any situation. I was a pretty good conscience vexer at that time but I just couldn't go that far. Psalm 139:13-16 talks about Life which starts at conception. “Exodus 20:13 also states “Thou shalt not kill.” 

Colossians 3:5-6, “So put to death and deprive of power the evil longings of your earthly body [with its sensual, self-centered instincts] immorality, impurity, sinful passion, evil desire, and greed, which is [a kind of] idolatry [because it replaces your devotion to God]. Because of these [sinful] things the [divine] wrath of God is coming on the sons of disobedience [those who fail to listen and who routinely and obstinately disregard God’s precepts],”

I grew up in the church and believed The Word of God to be true, but I wasn’t living for Jesus, even though I thought I was at the time. Spiritual truth was a good idea, but I wasn't ready to own it for me yet. But it was a lovely song like the Bible puts it, I just didn't think God would meet my needs if I obeyed his voice. Right????? Just like Eve with the seduction of satan.

I took my kids to church every Sunday and would repent for my sins I committed that week, and was deceived in thinking I was good, and was going to heaven someday. Even though weak, I needed to get saved all over again. It's like wanting to pop a pill and have everything change. Or going on a diet to lose weight, with no intention to change your lifestyle. I had no understanding as to why I was still living a life full of sin. (Refusing to know God in my conscience, I still didn't realize the dark places that was taking myself.)

I was still depressed, in strife, feeling angry all the time, and nothing was different. I would pray and didn’t feel The Lord was even hearing my prayers. Actually the Bible says, when you seek Him with all your heart, you are found by Him. I was more than happy to still be hardhearted. Halfhearted. The devil deceived me into thinking I'm ok. I was good at pitying other people, very good at pitying myself, but that spirit wasn't helping me or anyone around me…It’s because the world is so corrupt and there’s no way to be free from sin, unless we see the reality of why our selfishness makes us all guilty. I only had worldly sorrow…that’s all I was able to give my children too. I wasn't ready to look up and see a good Father that I was offending yet, by how I was to his children.

I raised my children to do as I said, not as I did. I was the biggest hypocrite. I would get upset with God because my prayers weren’t being heard and answered. Demanding blessings while I was sowing curses in my life due to rebellion against His still small voice. I always watched end time prophecy videos because I was fearful. I Listened to Christian music on the radio all the time, but I didn’t have any peace and my children were constantly fighting with each other, and rebelling against me. I knew if I died, or Jesus came back I wasn’t going to Heaven. "The way of peace they know not, because there is no good judgement in their life." I knew my heart condemned me, because I was scared about where I’d go if I died tomorrow. I wasn’t in touch with where I was at, and therefore couldn’t help my children to do the same.  

I started judging others in the church thinking they were hypocrites and pretentious because that’s where I was at. Judging to condemn souls that God loves, not realizing by condemning others, it was the devils snare to trap me. I spent my whole life trying to fill a void in my own heart, and wanted to find a good man that could be a dad for my boys. We only can fill our void the wrong way, when we are void of the life of the Spirit because we have no understanding. The void fillers, also turn into void destructions, and it was still playing out in my life.

I was smoking pot and getting high a lot, drinking occasionally, but I didn’t see the harm it was doing to myself or my children. I cared more about drugs and partying with friends and saw no problem with dropping my kids off with my mom and stepdad for a couple nights at a time. I was so selfish, and wasn’t able to see what it was doing to my children. Again that selfish controlling spirit gets passed on from generation to generation until someone decides to look up, and look to the God of Light to break the curse. 

James 3:16, “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder [unrest, rebellion] and every evil thing and morally degrading practice.” Jealousy is the only fate for the insecure who don’t hear and do what His voice inside us is prompting us to do and what to say. Blowing off His voice, actually anoints us with "the Spirit of Cain." (A demonic spirit…jealousy, insecurity, and competition) It talks about that over and over in the Bible too.  

I went about it all wrong and because of how selfish I was, how I rebelled against God for so long; my children went through a lot of immense pain, insecurities, and anger too. I married and divorced multiple men. I Met and dated men that weren’t ever looking to be a father to my kids. They were using me, and I was using them, and that spirit of usury never leads to God's blessings. I would break things off with men when they weren’t meeting my needs anymore, and find a new one. The truth is I used men, my friends, my parents, my own children, anybody really to get what I wanted all the time. I have struggled with a medical condition called Ménière’s disease, which is an inner ear disorder that causes episodic bouts of Vertigo, and being it’s debilitating at times, it requires others to help take care of me. 

I was looking for a man to take care of me and my needs but also my children’s needs for a lot of selfish reasons. I was so needy, that I would draw comfort from my kids, and because I was feeling sorry for myself, and blaming God for my medical condition, I was severely depressed. I had already been demanding, bitter, selfish, a user, and I used my medical condition as an excuse to stay that way. I was exactly everything I looked down on my own mother for. Doing exactly what I despised in her. I spent my whole life looking for security in a man, looking for someone to love me, and my kids were so needy because of me, but Satan just keep feeding me all the lies and I was feeding into them, still turning away from Jesus to do it my way. It wasn’t until recently but I met some women who used that scripture that says, "her heart is bands, snares and traps, whoever escapes from her pleases God." Meeting women who actually knew what God had saved them from has been very enlightening. 

My children really suffered because I was so selfish, and The Lord couldn’t help me because I ran from Him…and so therefore I was in the “wrong kingdom.” The Bible has a lot to say about spiritual whoredom, (being under a wrong spirit).
"The whore wipes her mouth and says, I have done nothing wrong." I was living my life trying to feed my flesh, and was never feeling satisfied inside. And everyone else was responsible for my emptiness, not me. I wasn’t truly ready to give it all up for Jesus and he knew that. He knows our heart!!

Luke 11:34, “Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness.”

Galatians 5:16, “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

1 John 2:15-16, “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.”

Jesus said, "I am the bread of life." He told us to pray every day, "give us our daily bread." Daily revelations of truth help us overcome the darkness. He created us subject to vanity, emptiness. The problem is instead of knowing a good Father and getting wisdom from Him, we turn to everything that is destructive to fill our vanity, and become the path of ruin to other people.

I had married a man back in 2011, and My dad warned me multiple times not to.  Deep inside I knew he was right, but I blew him off all the time, just as I did the "voice" of the Father inside me. My father even came to the wedding to try and convince me one last time not to marry him, because he felt something wasn’t right about the guy. Instead of actually listening to my dad this time, because he was right about the first guy…I did my own thing, and was deceived again by satan due to my own desires.

The lie from hell to settle. That voice of the liar had me believing no man was ever gonna be good enough for me, and my kids in my dad's eyes. Again, accusing others, excusing myself. The fate of those blowing off God's voice inside of them. I was married for a couple years, ended up leaving and filing for a divorce because we fought all the time. When the boys and I were out of the house and they felt safe, they told me what had happened…behind my back (when I was at work, when I was in bed with a Ménière’s episode, and also when I just wanted to be selfish and stay in bed “saying” I was having an episode) he was molesting both my children!  That crushed me beyond belief, and you know who I blamed? The man who did this! You know who else I blamed? God…I blamed God! There is a scripture that says, "the adulteress hunts for the precious life. This is true with women and men on the hunt. By making people God instead of "that voice" inside of them, me. The whole Bible talks about "the VOICE" of God. 

I blamed God even though it was my choice to blow off my dad's warning; it was my fault that I used my Ménière’s to stay in bed, checked out because of self-pity and selfishness. God's voice through my father was trying to wake me up. I was just too rebellious to see it back then. My kids went through counseling and they were having to relive it over and over…talking to detectives, both attorneys, and four years later, he was convicted. I stopped dating men for 5 years because I couldn’t trust anyone and I didn’t trust myself. When I did start dating again, I was in constant fear, and looking over their shoulder because it scared my boys so bad, and I wasn’t gonna let that ever happen again. I was supposed to protect them, and instead I put them right in the midst of a perpetrator. Now that I’m walking with Jesus, and have actually forgiven this man, I’m able to see how I was no different…I was using men all my life to get my needs met, by emotionally manipulating them, by being cunning and crafty and seducing them 

About 2 years later, my brother committed suicide and I remember thinking it was just a nightmare, and I’d wake up. He took his own life right outside the house we were living in (my mom and stepdad's) when all of us were there. This impacted EVERYONE! NOTHING EVER PREPARES YOU FOR THIS KIND OF HEARTACHE! My mom became such a bitter and hateful woman. She was already pretty bitter in her heart before all this, but not like she is now. She blamed other people…saying we drove him to the point of killing himself…(Talk about beating somebody down when they are sobbing, feeling the pain of such immense grief.) My mom is NOT THE SAME PERSON. No conviction for anything she said. 

Again, this is so enlightening now looking back at the fact that God gives us His good Spirit when we get saved, but it's our job to stay close to Him and keep our good spirit protected. "Put to death the deeds of the flesh"..."the flesh is AT WAR with the Spirit" in us. If all we do is feed the flesh and starve the good spirit in us, we trouble our own soul, our own flesh.

"You also gave Your good Spirit to instruct them, And did not withhold 

Your manna from their mouth, And gave them water for their thirst." There is also a scripture that says this.  Proverbs 10:17, "He who learns from instruction and correction is on the [right] path of life [and for others his example is a path toward wisdom and blessing], But he who ignores and refuses correction goes off course [and for others his example is a path toward sin and ruin]."  

Another says this in Proverbs 18:9 AMPC, "He who is loose and slack in his work is brother to him who is a destroyer and he who does not use his endeavors to heal himself is brother to him who commits suicide."

What is the work? The battle between our flesh and our spirit, actually getting revelation in that war every day. Jesus said, "deliver us from evil", to pray

that way everyday. To get more understanding and discipleship so we can overcome the darkness.

We all were left with that heaviness of soul. We all needed to be forgiven. And those who didn't repent, have gone straight downhill. Like everyone in my family that was there. We were slack in the war of the flesh vs the spirit. We had no understanding in that war to help each other. Just pity each other and act our anger when we were upset. We weren't doing well, and neither were we "our brother's keeper." That alone is my biggest message here. If we don't do well because we resist God's voice ourself to be a pleasure seeker, it become this. "There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end of that way is death." Like children that are there wake up to learn more about the great big world around them, we should do that too.  

Jesus said, "unless you become like a little child, you can't inherit His Kingdom."  Maybe the biggest thing to learn from this horror is to be teachable, stay in school, learn of Jesus in every situation we get into so we always get more understanding, just like a child. Slothfulness, indifference, in my family's case, did lead to death. I myself, was entertaining those imaginations myself, until I decided to be honest, and open with people who could help me walk in the light. I have been continually wowed by more revelation since I decided to give up the power, the power of darkness. The darkness of pride, lying, looking down on others to the "suicide" of my spirit. "The man without understanding remains in the congregation of the dead." Jesus, and the Father ALWAYS wanted to help us fulfill our destiny; I again turned a deaf ear.

Honestly I was no better off than my mom. I was so  willing to open the door to that dark spirit of bitterness and went my whole life blaming everybody else, even God for the evil things I was doing. She is masquerading The Kingdom of God to other people, but she’s definitely not in The Lords kingdom! She and I both, got lost in religiosity as a form of being on the run from the woman of the flesh taking us down, but we weren't honest with Jesus about our own rebellion against His voice.  Ever learning about Him, but too prideful and too much lying to ourselves about why we do what we do. Having a relationship with Jesus with works, instead of disclosing our motives to him for help, is why there are Christians who are dead while they live.

She is so tormented, by demons due to unforgiveness. That's something people should take seriously. It’s really sad how she’s allowed bitterness to take such a deep root in her heart. But again, that must be the pain Jesus feels about my torments of being unforgiving because I wouldn't own my problems and look to "Learn of Him." My stepdad blames my mom and she blames him. Just like Adam and Eve, at the apple, then blamed God and each other. That was the biggest tragedy, we had been in a flesh and blood battle. We didn't understand demons, we were under the power of demonic spirits acting out their will, blaming each other, instead of helping each other get saved from demonic powers.

My brother was married and they had a daughter...his wife turned to drugs as an attempt to cope with the pain, their daughter is being raised by other family members because her mom turned to drugs and has been in and out of jail. One of my other brothers has been battling severe depression, and is now an alcoholic with 3 young children of his own. Both my kids were in shock, and boy did it ruthlessly shake them (especially after my mom telling them it was their fault). They have both suffered depression, and my oldest son was so tormented (having nightmares, and had been having suicidal thoughts). The devil is on a mission to kill, steal and destroy however he can. If we let demonic spirits in our house to play, they will. That's why Jesus said, don't make a place for the devil. Demonic spirits. And, If you knew who the thief was, you wouldn't let him in to steal, kill and destroy. Selfishness is very blinding to the spiritual battle we are in.

I was the one trying to keep the family together through all of this, but it really tore me up! I cried out to Lord in such deep sorrow because this truly destroyed us. I was still blind and selfish and blamed my mom for the words she spoke to my kids, and the depression I felt began turning to anger. I was no different than my mom, but again I wasn’t ready to admit that, because I didn’t want to take a look at myself. I wanted someone to blame all the time. The boys and I ended up moving out of their house because I wanted to escape it all, and I thought it would help…but it got worse for me with my bitterness toward my mom, and my anger towards my brother who did this, my disgust towards the man who abused my children, etc. My kids were so hurt, and angry. They didn’t believe there was a God, because they couldn’t understand why all this bad could happen if there was. I would try and help them see differently explaining to them…we’re given free will and it’s not God's fault…but that’s all I could give them. I was living life still walking after the flesh and I had knowledge of The Lord in my head, but not in my Heart. And the princes, powers and rulers of the air were having our way. Life without revelation and understanding ends a lot of lives in some kind of tragedy. We all have to touch the issues of life that come from the heart, or it destroys us.

Hebrews 12:15, “looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;”

Matthew 12:36-37, “But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.”

Ephesians 4:31-32 KJV

There’s either poison in the words we speak, or there’s life. In other words, if we don’t judge the words coming out of our mouth, we WILL give account on the day of Judgement, and everyone will either be justified or condemned!  

The biggest thing I have learned the last 3 months, is all words contain spirits. When we speak wrong spirited words to us we poison ourselves. "Out of a man's mouth he will be justified or condemned." Another one says, "a man shall be satisfied by the fruit of his lips." That's why the whole family was taken over by emptiness, unfulfilled, using vices, but never having enough to quiet the demons.

I started playing video games to cover up all the pain of everything after my brother died, and it got really bad. I was hooked and could spend all day gaming sometimes, also allowing my kids to do the same thing. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it during this time so I justified it being a way to check out from reality and not have to address issues, or talk about how we were feeling. I would get so frustrated while playing, and found myself getting angry at a video game now…I played games to cover up the pain, anger, and bitterness towards my mom, towards the man who hurt my kids, and now games were making me angry.  And the Proverbs about anger are vast. "He who cools down his anger is a healer of his own soul." Our anger should be the source of needing to connect to a good Father. But when we don't want to deal with the condemnation in our soul, the Holy Spirit of truth can't teach a liar and hider. 

Look at all this suffering in my life. Why? From hiding, lying to myself and God.  =He even says, “I have no pleasure in the death of sinners." His pleasure is to help us, but when we live angry and offended, we see Him out of our own soul. This again, is what was taking us down. For when you live like man's victim, aren't you blaming God for what He allows people to do? Yes, you will, for the demon of pride will tell you how much more other people deserve to go to hell, not you.

I was so short-fused, so of course I had absolutely no peace, and my anxiety was off the charts. The fruit of blowing off God's voice. This went on for years. My oldest son had been having severe depression and was feeling defeated, and wanted to end his life. I was still living in darkness and the instruction I was giving him was from Satan himself…I told him to just learn to put it out of his mind, and to find a good distraction so he started trying to fill that void and used women just like he saw me do with men all throughout his life. I was flirting with men on the gaming headset, and started dating men that loved gaming like I did. I thought it was better than dating someone local, because I still didn’t trust men. So I began dating someone and after a year and a half he moved in with us; my kids liked him (both are grown at this point) and he was good to me. He was the first man who actually cared about us and loved us unconditionally. After 2 years we got married. I had become such an angry woman, and was slandering people in my thoughts and even out loud. 

My husband was who I took my anger out on. I was so mean to him because of where I was at, and he always forgave me. I was so tormented, and couldn’t get these horrible voices out of my head. This again is how we go down. Doing others in with the spirit of our mouth, then wondering why we are so depressed. I'm owning my problem here, but also saying all of this was familiar to my whole family.

The more I would pray, and the more I would listen to church sermons on YouTube, the louder these demons got. I had never experienced anything like this before so I started smoking pot again hoping it would help, but it only got worse. I felt like I was going crazy, because at that time I didn’t know much about the spiritual realm.  My great-grandfather did go crazy, but Jesus delivered him. My grandma was going crazy too. The Bible has a lot to say about how the fruit of rebellion leads to insanity.

I saw over the years how my mom was influenced by demonic dark spirits, but this was something new for me. So much easier to judge everyone else, and not just the baby in us who throws a tantrum when we get unhappy. I was still blind to where I was at tho…still blaming others. I would listen to the Bible app on my phone and it silenced the demonic voices for a bit, and listening to sermons started to quiet them. It didn’t stop them tho, because they always came back…..even stronger than the last time. I was so tormented and I thought there was no way out, and I started listening to the lies from the devil, and entertained the thought of suicide myself.  

One day I was in bed recovering from a menieres episode and that spirit of suicide came over me, and I started crying out to the Lord, and repenting for EVERYTHING!  I was so broken…I was sobbing for a good hour or so, and the Lord would bring to my remembrance the things I lied about over the years. I was having an affair also and I repented for that, people I slandered in the past I started repenting for…there was a lot that I didn’t even remember doing because I carried the weight of so much sin, for so long, but Jesus knew I was truly ready to surrender all, and He is truly faithful! 

Some stuff I had to be real honest about, because he knows our heart. I remember crying out, saying I love being in Control but I don’t want to love it anymore. (Like we can do a better job of running the universe than God!) I asked him to help me love what he loves and hate the things he hates. I felt my whole body (from the top of my head, to the very soles of my feet) begin to tingle all over. The next 3 days, I spent crying out to Him because I felt this immense sorrow for putting Him up on that cross, over and over for all the sins, throughout all the years, and then rejoicing, and worshiping Him! Repenting for more things. Sorrow…worship...sorrow…worship. He is Worthy of all our praise!! It had taken me so many years to see the fruit of my way, and rebelling against God's way.

As a matter of fact, a woman I reached out to several weeks ago used a scripture about her despair and downfall. "We pass from death unto life when we love." Not when we put everyone around us through hell for the way we don't like how they treat us. We can't get out of the hell we are trapped in, until our focus is about how we are loving. That is the only path to be free indeed.

I had to repent to my husband for having an affair, using him all the years I did, and treating him so bad throughout our whole relationship, and you know what? He forgave me. When we obey His still small voice, he moves mountains on our behalf.  My husband could have gotten angry and left, but he stayed and truly forgave me.  My humility also caused him to be honest with me about some things too. Like I said earlier...It’s a daily walk, and if we really love Jesus, we want to please Him. I repented to my children for being so selfish, using them, lying to them, and being such a horrible mom all their life. I quit playing video games because it was destroying my soul and gave up the drugs! 

So weeks after this, I was asking The Lord for Spirit-filled Christians in my life because I didn’t have any. - The Holy Spirit said call your grandma!  -I didn’t need to ask which grandma because I already knew which one. - I knew my grandma was walking with Jesus and could really help me. I called her and she was crying with so much Joy, because she had been praying for me all these years. My grandma, and another amazing woman I know have been really helping me with truth because they themselves have had the same struggles, so they can help me see how we aren’t battling flesh and blood, and it’s in fact a spiritual battle which belongs to the Lord.  

Blaming others shouldn’t be our problem; people aren’t our problem. The Lord is so faithful!! They were able to give me wisdom, helping me so I could help my children. The Lord has softened my children’s hearts to receive true Godly wisdom, and I can be an example to them and help by speaking truth and not worldly pretense anymore. The Lord is so good!!! I don’t feel hopeless anymore; I’m listening to the Holy Spirit and adhering to his correction. I can love people rightly now because I’ve actually taken personal responsibility for the things in my past, and I’m so blessed!  Jesus was chastening me for so long, and it’s because He Loves us!  The Lord is softening my children’s hearts, and showing his love to them; they are being convicted and starting to see it is Jesus!! It’s so powerful! Not only did The Lord put us back in my grandma, grandpa, and Uncle’s lives…there’s more…they have all been a part of The Body of Christ (a ministry of great witnesses, sharing the gospel of Jesus to a lost and hungry people) and I now have so many people in my life to help me grow in Christ!! It’s such an amazing thing! Jesus is coming soon…so people wake up! Turn and Repent, for the day of The Lord is near!

“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;” (Ephesians 6:10-18 KJV)

God's truth is there and available for us all to make us free. Meeting women who were judging me to save me, willing to tell me the truth about their own life, and God's truth that's helped them be free, has been showing me what Ephesians 4 really means. Put away lying. Speak the truth in love, so we can all grow up together into one living body. The bride of Christ, who He is coming back for. These women have been a path of life for me to follow. As the song says, "I give my life away, so you can use me." I want to be used now, as God has used them to be a light shining in this dark world! When we understand our tests, life tests us all, we can find the gold in what appears hopeless and desperate. God can work "all things together for good." He is no respecter of persons and there is nothing impossible with God.

Dear Reader - are you at peace with God? If not, you can be. Do you know what awaits you when you die? You can have the assurance from God that heaven will be your home, if you would like to be certain. You can even have that assurance RIGHT NOW! Either Jesus Christ died for your sins, or He didn't (He did!). Are you prepared to stand before God on the Judgment Day and tell Him that you didn't need the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the Cross to have your sins forgiven and get in right-standing with God? We plead with you...please don't make such a tragic mistake. 

To get to know God, to be at peace with God, to have your sins forgiven, to make certain heaven will be your home for eternity, to make certain that you are in right-standing with God right now ... please click here to help you understand the importance of being reconciled to God. What you do about being reconciled to God will determine where you will spend eternity, precious one. Your decision to be reconciled to God is the most important decision you'll ever make in this life, because in Christ, it is impossible to put a value on the worth of your soul in light of eternity.

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Remember: All that we do in this life comes back to our God-given purpose which is to serve and glorify God. The money and assets we accumulate, the fame and power we've attained or seek to attain - all of the things of this nature will one day pass away, but those lives of others we impact for Jesus Christ will last for eternity, and we will be rewarded for the part we helped play by impacting those lives ... for eternity. (Matthew 6:19-21 is our assurance)