CONFESSIONS OF A COURAGEOUS
(By: Carmen Sellman)
My name is Carmen I am only 16 years old (2011). I know my faith is in GOD and only Him. I'm so young, yet I've been through almost everything. I've never been to church or truly learned about GOD, but I've always known and loved Him, but now it's so much more than that.
My dad brought me closer to GOD then anyone. It all started when I was younger. I used to be daddy's little girl - his princess. As I grew up I saw my parents fight a lot of scary fights. They would hit each other - yell, scream. I always feared for my mom's life when it came to my dad and I still do until this very day. The only difference is now I have learned to let go and let GOD because I know He's with her.
My dad used to sell drugs - big drugs. He was always a scary person. He was always about pride and respect. I saved my mom's life countless times.
When I was like age eight or so my dad shot at my mother in front of me out of a window. I'll never forget it, NEVER. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I never thought he would ever do something like that until that day. It made me open my eyes to a lot of things at such a young age.
Throughout my entire life I've never met no one who understands me or my pain besides GOD. Sometimes I do wish there was someone human like that, but He gets me though everything just fine.
When I was nine my dad went to jail on gun and drug charges for five years. My dad has always cheated on my mother and she would always want to know who the girl was, or where he was at - sometimes in the middle of the night. I'd put my boots on and have to go out looking for him with her.
Then when he finally went to jail, my mom had hope for them to work everything out in their marriage. It didn't work. He cheated on my mother in jail, yet she still took him back.
I didn't meet the real monster in my dad until he got out of jail. That's when he started to threaten not only my mom a lot more, but me. I have a little brother. He's two now and he's with my dad all the time. Because he doesn't work, my mom does. My dad screams at my brother and hits him hard. Sometime I tell my mom, but as always - nothing. She's so scared of him and it's so sad because there's no escaping him. Or maybe she'll just never leave him, but who am I to judge.
I remember I took my brother downstairs with me one time to spend time with him and my father told me, 'Bring him up to me before I bash your skull in.' I told my mom but still nothing was done about it. There's never anything done about it. I wish she stood up for me sincerely - just once.
One time when I was fighting with my dad, I was in my closet crying and this tag started moving. I know it was him with me. I had chills. I took a video because I was in such shock. I know GOD was with me that day.
I had another bad fight with my dad when he came home drunk. I was walking in my bedroom, and he started telling me to stop talking to him disrespectfully, but I wasn't talking disrespectfully. I went and got my mom. Then he told her he was going to hurt me. He ran after me a couple times yelling, but my mom held him back. He broke my door trying to get in and punched a hole in it. Then my mom sent me downstairs to my aunt's house and then she came downstairs and apologized to me. She told me she loved me. She actually hugged me and told me everything would be okay. I truly believed her. Then she went back upstairs and came down mad at me. She told me she didn't like me; to get away from her and it was because he was mad at her because of me. He hit her that night too. I screamed and freaked out and even after she told me she didn't like me I still wouldn't let her go back upstairs, because he was going to hurt her.
I stood by the door guarding it, so she wouldn't go up. She was so mad she dug her nails into me. It hurt so much to see how quick he has the ability to turn her against me, but I forgive you Mom. I promise now I will sleep down here every night because he drinks every night.
It's never the same because it's not your house and your bed. I wish it was just me and my mom again. Then I'd be upstairs. She was my best friend. Now it's like she doesn't even care about me.
Well, I know she does. I just want my old mom back sometimes. I try to be the best person I can be. I help all my friends with their problems. I always tell them about GOD. I'll make anyone smile if I can. It's 'kinda what keeps me going in life. I honestly don't care to see myself smile. That's not what I'm here for.
I have a boyfriend who helps me take my mind off my parents. I remember I never would tell him what went on in my home life. One day I told him a story and he told me "I'd never know because you're always smiling and so happy." That made me feel good because that's my purpose. I believe my life is this way for a reason. I believe I was put on this earth to be something, someone important to Jesus Christ, to God - for God. That's why I will never let anyone break me.
My dad can get to me badly sometimes though. I used to go in my closet and cry and cry and just cut myself. I didn't know who to go to or what else to do. I have scars. I can honestly say when someone cuts themselves it's a cry for help, but when my mom saw the marks, she just threatened to punish me.
I forgive both my parents for everything. Every tear, every yell, every put down, everything. (God tells us to forgive, and keep forgiving, those who hurt us in the Bible. I've come to realize the reason He tells us to do that is primarily for OUR own good).
Another scary time was when my dad had a knife to mom. They were in the room. I heard a click and something told me to go into the room. He had a knife to her. It was right before I left for the bus stop. I was scared all day in school. GOD was with her though. When I came home, she was fine.
I have stories and stories I can tell, but I won't. I want to put it all behind me and GOD is helping me do that. I even try to get my dad involved with God, but he just knocks my spiritual views. I hope one day he repents and becomes a better person. I do and will forgive him. I declare I just want them to get help.
Now my mom has been reading the bible and Christian literature, to which I am so proud of her. I know GOD'S with me and I know in time everything will be okay. As I get older I want to get closer and closer to Him.
As for my parents: I still love them with all my heart. I refuse to hold a grudge and there is always room for forgiveness. My aunts and grandfather also help me, but they can only do so much and I'm thankful for every bit of it. I help them as much as I can.
I'm writing this to help me get things off my chest. I really hope to grow a better relationship with my parents. I will help lead them to GOD with me. Throughout everything in my life that was bad, GOD has blessed me with millions of times more good, just my waking up in the morning, eating, having clothes is a gift, and I am very blessed, I've realized. I know everything happens for a reason, and I know GOD has mine and my family's back. We'll all be okay because GOD is leading the way.
Dear Reader - are you at peace with God? If not, you can be. Do you know what awaits you when you die? You can have the assurance from God that heaven will be your home, if you would like to be certain. You can even have that assurance RIGHT NOW! Either Jesus Christ died for your sins, or He didn't (He did!). Are you prepared to stand before God on the Judgment Day and tell Him that you didn't need the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the Cross to have your sins forgiven and get in right-standing with God? We plead with you...please don't make such a tragic mistake.
To get to know God, to be at peace with God, to have your sins forgiven, to make certain heaven will be your home for eternity, to make certain that you are in right-standing with God right now ... please click here to help you understand the importance of being reconciled to God. What you do about being reconciled to God will determine where you will spend eternity, precious one. Your decision to be reconciled to God is the most important decision you'll ever make in this life, because in Christ, it is impossible to put a value on the worth of your soul in light of eternity.
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Remember: All that we do in this life comes back to our God-given purpose which is to serve and glorify God. The money and assets we accumulate, the fame and power we've attained or seek to attain - all of the things of this nature will one day pass away, but those lives of others we impact for Jesus Christ will last for eternity, and we will be rewarded for the part we helped play by impacting those lives ... for eternity. (Matthew 6:19-20 is our assurance)