The Insanity of my addiction!

By: Jim Roberts

Hi - My name is Jim. I'm a believer who struggles with alcohol and drug addiction:

Ephesians 5:18, "Do not get drunk with wine, which will only ruin you; instead be filled with the Spirit."

I would like to take you back to the insanity of my addiction.  I felt that I couldn't let the spirit of Christ's love in my soul.  God's awesome love will really mess up your partying, I feared. I found it impossible to be on a alcohol or drug bender and do what God wants however. 

I was in and out of incarceration from the time I was about 17 until I was 37. My life consisted of always chasing the next high, and being incarcerated. Proverbs 23:20-21, "Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags."

I had no good family contact, even with my daughter. At one point I was ready to sign adoption papers, just so I wouldn't have to pay child support. This way I would have more money to drink and drug with. I thank God that never happened though. I had no conscience for, or about my actions. I didn't care who I hurt. I was running from myself and all the problems and joys of life. My mere existence of life was being in a state of intoxication, functioning at .20 BAC; if I got below that I was sick. Isolation was also one of my problems. I would get a motel room and be in there alone for days just getting high.

Another wonderful personality trait from my addiction was always being on the defensive. “What can YOU do for me” was my motto. Always wanting to be accepted and “fit in”, but not fitting comfortably in my own skin. I had no clue how wonderful the “Spirit” can make you feel, the joy and complete freedom manifested by God’s love.

I had a few incidents that put me near death. One was when I was an Iron worker. I was still high from the night before, but I went up on the iron anyway. I took a fall from the iron that day. I hit my head on a I-beam on the way down to the concrete floor below me. I busted my head and my body up very bad. I remember the first thing out of the doctors mouth was “son you should be dead, you must have an angel over you.” That didn't stop me from my addiction though. I didn't or couldn't work. I was disabled.. It just gave me time to do more research on my addiction. I ended up getting a very large cash settlement of $20,000 over this. The only thing that I have to show from all that money is a bicycle, and a lot of “temporary” friends.

I longed to be loved but didn't feel worthy. Even though I knew what Christ had done for me, at the cross, and his everlasting love and forgiveness, I still didn't feel worthy of His love and forgiveness. This I came to find out is a repercussion of living in the flesh and living for the moment -- the next high, the next thrill.

I put on a good act for Christ, especially when I was incarcerated. I was one of those “Jail house pastors.” I still had no real conviction in my heart and soul. My thoughts were - what could God do for me, not what or how can I serve and please God. My attitude towards other people really was not very Christ like during those times either. I was such a "pleasant" person to be around. I was doing God's work being the judge or  “judgmental.” I was a user always being your ‘friend” for what you had, not who you were. I was constantly angry at everyone, especially if they didn't do it “MY WAY” - (Proverbs 18:24) “A man who has friends must be friendly, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother”

I found one of my many bottoms when my weight had gone down to 105 lbs, I am now at 165. So you can imagine how messed up I was, and how bad I looked. Funny thing, I thought I still looked so good. I attempted suicide because I was so low, and self-centered. I was in the state of “poor me.”  I felt if I just ended it all, I wouldn't hurt anyone anymore. I was so tired of my life as I knew it, not as God wanted it, so why go on. I took a .38 and held it up to my head and pulled the trigger, and the gun went off, but I was still alive. I did this at my mom and dad’s house, so my mom, hearing the shot, came running into the room.  There I stood ears ringing and powder burns on my head but still alive. After all the commotion had calmed down, my dad checked the gun; the slug had been shot, but it was nowhere to be found. There was not a single hole in the room anywhere; we searched and searched.  It should be in my head but it wasn’t. We all believe that this was a true intervention of God.

If any of you feel or have felt this low, remember this: You have been promised a marvelous future. It's In the Bible, Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

This is when I believe Christ opened my heart to Him. Jesus showed me an "angel." An angel that had been right in front of me all the time. Putting up with the chaos I lived in, because as she said “I saw something in you that was good.”  Today years later I'm married to that angel. We live our lives with each other according to this verse, 1 Cor 7:3 that says, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband”.  Based on that scripture, and some counseling, we have built a wonderful marriage. A marriage where Christ is the centerpiece of our lives together.

I finally found my way into recovery when I was facing yet another prison term. You will do anything to look good in the eyes of the correctional system. I was sick of my life, or the mere existence of what I called living. So I checked myself into Longford Care Unit. This was the first rehab that I had been in. I found out that I was “POWERLESS“. That without God in my life, true recovery and peace was hopeless. My ever-growing personal relationship with Jesus Christ came from being nothing to being everything. Today I pursue the knowledge that is there for our taking, just like our salvation.. Psalm 37:23-24, "The steps of good men are directed by the Lord. He delights in each step they take. If they fall it isn't fatal, for the Lord holds them with His hand."

I have never known such joy and peace. I never thought being so dependent {on God} would make me so strong. I believe that with the spirit and obedience to God, along with Celebrate Recovery is what keep me sane and in recovery today. My life hasn’t been an easy road. I have had my ups and downs. As it says in the big book of A.A. “We are not Saints; we strive for spiritual growth rather than spiritual perfection.”  I have had one very brief relapse. But by working an honest program I learned how I set myself up for this fall. Now my program, and walk with God is stronger than ever before.

Working the Celebrate Recovery program and getting involved gave me a great life, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and the ability to know peace. The only peace that comes from knowing Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and being in honest recovery. What comes with that is, the hope that when my time comes, and I stand before the Lord I will hear these precious words, “Good work my son!  Come with me and live in paradise for eternity.”

While being in recovery everything started to change; surprise! I care about all people today. The people that are around me today are my real friends. I care about them and they care about me. It's not about how much alcohol or drugs I can buy; it's about how much we care about each other and love Christ.

Areas of my old life are gone, and boy how have they changed. The old empty hole in my heart has been and continues to be filled with God's loving Spirit, and the love and support of my wife and family. My wife and I have total trust in each other. Trust is something I never had in my life before. Trust is something that makes a relationship whole. Today my kids and grandkids love me because they know how much they matter to me. (2 Cor 5:17 ) “Therefore anyone who is in Christ is a new creation; the old things have passed away; behold all things are new.”

Before I let Christ back into my heart, God's love was something that I couldn't understand. Today I stand for Christ. I have been blessed to lead a Prison Ministry today that is growing in ways that I couldn’t have even dreamed. God is working his miracles in this ministry. Doors that were shut are being opened as if they were never there. I am now looking forward to going into the ministry full time. (Proverbs 3:5-6) “Trust in thy Lord with all thy heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall guide your paths."

The benefits of my new life are too numerous to count. God has blessed me ten-fold. I have a new life in Christ and a promise of eternity with Him. A wonderful relationship with my daughter and family again. Knowing how much good God wants for me, and how much He loves me is everything. A number of years ago I couldn't even imagine a life like the one I have today.  “God is good!”

To the Newcomer here are some promises that you can count on happening to you:

Peace , serenity and love,

Your will find true happiness within yourself.

You will find a peace and a calm about you like you have never known.

Seek God and He will seek you.  He has never turned His back and you and never will.  We are the ones who walked away from Him.

God's plans for you are so much better than anything you can even imagine.

True friendships will develop and last a life time.

A whole lot of fun and remembering it.

Financial security will develop.

AND SO MUCH MORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you and God bless you for taking the time to read my testimony.  I pray that it has helped encourage you and drawn you closer to my Savior if you have been straying or running away from God.  Or if you have no idea what a personal relationship with Jesus Christ can and will do for you, I encourage you to go to the page link given below.  If you've tried everything else but Jesus, I challenge you to do just that - try Jesus.  He cares for you and loves you so much!  

If feel you would like to talk to me, my email address is:

[Editor's Note:  Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered outreach God has raised up to help people with their addictions. Using the 12-Step approach used in other programs, their "Higher Power" is Jesus Christ.  They meet as a group on Friday nights, and many, like Jim has found ... are finding freedom from this powerful outreach to addicts and their families, and are drawing closer to their Creator.   People in the Western Michigan area interested in contacting them can do so by calling: 616-361-6014, or e-mailing them:  They are located at: New Community Church, 2340 Dean Lake Ave NE, Grand Rapids, MI 49505.]  

Dear Reader - are you at peace with God?  If not, you can be.  Do you know what awaits you when you die?  You can have the assurance from the Holy Spirit that heaven will be your home, if you would like to be certain.  Either Jesus Christ died for yours sins, or He didn't (He did!).  Are you prepared to stand before God on the Judgment Day and tell Him that you didn't need the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the Cross to cover your sins?  We plead with you ... please don't make such a tragic mistake.

To be at peace with God; to make certain heaven will be your home for eternity; to make certain that you are in right-standing with God right now ... please click here to help understand the importance of being reconciled to God.  What you do about being reconciled to God will determine where you will spend eternity, precious one.  Your decision to be reconciled to God is the most important decision you'll ever make in this life. 

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