I have made some very poor decisions in my past. I've lied to people (about many things, including my sexuality), I've used people to get what I want, and I've hurt people (including myself) both physically and emotionally. I believe we pay a price for our poor behavior. Since making these choices, I have experienced severe social anxiety (to the point where I couldn't even look out my bedroom window or walk to the mailbox for fear that someone was watching me and judging me), loneliness, and often times cruelty by complete strangers in public.
One night, I felt I was being treated poorly, and I broke down and asked for God to help me. I don't think I'd turned to God in over three years. The next evening, my family and I went out to eat at a restaurant. On the car ride there, we witnessed something that I hadn't seen in the nineteen years that I've lived here (and I drive on this in-town road at least a few times a week). A large herd of deer (twenty or so) had lined up on each side of the road, just standing there. I believe we had witnessed a miracle. At the restaurant, instead of constantly worrying about my social anxiety like usual, I was able to focus (for the very first time I believe) on just enjoying the company of my family and conversing. Not only that, it happened to be someone's birthday at the restaurant, and everyone joined in singing Happy Birthday. I'd never felt that SAFE in public before. I knew God was with us. I chose to watch the movie The Sound of Music the following week. The fact that I chose this movie out of all of the movies we own is a miracle to me, because one line in it, "To do God's will," is a line I now live my life by. A couple weeks later (roughly), the thought occurred to me that apologizing to those I'd hurt or offended in the past was the right thing to do. My first apology (if I remember correctly) was to a relative of mine. I had said something terrible to them a few years prior, and was up one night thinking about it. I had a horrible sensation in the pit of my stomach that night, perhaps due to the guilt I felt over what I had said. They had already gone to bed, so I debated whether or not I should wake her up to apologize. I paced back and forth between our rooms, hesitant and nervous. Finally, I went to my room, laid down on my bed, and thought to myself, "I can either wake them up and apologize, or I can go to bed." At that precise moment, a loud crack of thunder broke the silence, the ONLY thunder I can recall from the entire night (there had been lightning earlier, but without thunder).
I saw a Cardinal while I was running the other day. Yesterday, I was having issues with my faith, and I hoped I would see another Cardinal on my run again, as a sign from God. I didn't see a Cardinal on my run, but one flew in front of my car on my way home. A miracle. Everything I've written has happened within the span of a little over a month. I have no reason to lie about any of this. It is up to you to believe. God bless.
Some Bible verses that I like are:
God has perfect knowledge of us, and all our thoughts and actions are open before him. (Ps 139:7)
Never will I leave you or forsake you. (Heb 13:5)
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