I grew up in a small village in Northern Ontario,
parents were young, having gotten married at age 19 and 20. My mother was
the eldest of 13 kids and as such had been a mini mom her whole life. She
got pregnant at 17 and had my sister. She met my dad when she was 19 years
old and 3 months later was married and pregnant with me.
ruled the house and was not known for being fair, or in many cases right. If
there was trouble in our home, chances were good I was the cause of it. This
is why I was the one who ended up over my dad's knee getting a whooping with
the 'paddle' in what seemed an almost daily occurrence. The unfortunate part
is that many, many times I took that licking for something I didn't do.
Anything went wrong it was automatically my fault. My poor sister still
feels horrible guilt and shame that she allowed this to happen as I took
almost all her paddling's for her. I have to smile because on the rare
occasions she did get a licking, I felt sorry for her because she just
wasn't tough and used to it like me.
So due to this constantly being
punished for being wrong regardless of whether I was or not (and also not
believed or in many cases, not even given a chance to state my case) was a
monstrously huge blow to my self-esteem. If something went wrong, got
stolen, got broken, I would start blushing and stammering and feeling guilty
even if I hadn't been anywhere near the place. I still struggle with this at
My father made no bones about being disappointed that I
wasn't a boy. He also had a mantra of 'why can't you be more like your
sister' that was drummed into me from my earliest memories. Up until the age
of 11 I tried my little heart out to be good, to be better, to be 'more like
my sister'. Then one Christmas Eve that all changed.
My parents were
drinkers. It was normal for them to drink a few beers or a few glasses of
wine daily, drink heavily at parties, and to host parties at our little
house (Photo above). Well every Christmas was cause for celebration and out came the
booze. Us kids were always given a tiny shot of cherry brandy which knocked
us off our pins once every holiday.
Anyways, this particular
Christmas eve we went down the road, not too too far, to my Aunt and Uncle's
house. I don't recall too much about it except on the way home my Dad was
purposefully zigzagging the car, drunk as a skunk, making us all scream. Now
I have to say my parents scared me when they were drunk. When we got home,
my mother headed straight off to bed and passed out. My father was in a
mood, as his earlier driving had shown and I was scared and wanted to hide.
The only door with a lock in our entire little house, was the bathroom, so I
figured I'd head there. Well I guess panic set in and I went too fast, or
maybe I ran'I don't recall. What I do know is that it was like waving a red
flag to a bull.
Next thing I knew I was being chased and I did
actually make it but I couldn't get the door closed fast enough. I got
tackled and the next thing I knew my drunk, laughing, slobbering father was
on top of me. Now what happened next is how an 11-year-old girl experienced
it. I couldn't move, he had pinned me underneath him which was utterly
horrifying in and of itself. Well he was having a grand old time, thinking
it was funny and started to slobber kisses up and down my neck and cheek
(I'd turned my head to avoid him kissing my mouth).
Well I had my
first full blown panic attack and started screaming in absolute terror. He
started nibbling on my earlobes and put his tongue in my ear, all the while
laughing. My sister came in and she yelled, 'he's just joking Sherri!!!',
but to me it was as serious as a heart attack. I was screaming for him to
get off, get off, get off and he only laughed, and completely ignored me.
Well my sister saw how panicked I was and started yelling at him to 'stop,
you're scaring her dad!!' After several tries, she saw he just didn't hear
her (or me) so she finally (she is my HERO OF ALL TIME FOR THIS) grabbed him
by the hair and smacked his head off the sink (I kid you not!) and next
thing I knew I was free.
I cried myself to sleep that night hidden
under the blankets and the next day, like any hurt 11-year-old, I acted out
my emotions, sitting there pouting and cross while we opened gifts. To my
shock, I was completely ignored. That hurt more than anything. It was like I
was invisible. Something changed in my heart and mind that day. I decided
that I was no longer going to try for these people. They thought I was bad?
Well they didn't see anything yet!!
Soon after I started smoking,
drinking and by age 13, I incorporated smoking pot into my repertoire. I
stole, I lied, my grades fell to subpar. When my parents divorced in my 13th
year, I went wild. I went with my mother and she, being free for the first
time in her life, pursued her own life. She worked as a bartender and so I
was free to do as I pleased every night. And I did just that.
moved in with a 63-year-old widow whom I quickly called Gram and loved
dearly. Gram reminded me of a little dormouse, always bundled up trying to
get warm---she'd even knitted 'knee covers' for her knees! During this year
I got mono and ended up very sick for a few months. I also got a bad
flu/cold on top of that and then had a severe allergic reaction to
penicillin. I was SO sick. I remember Gram whipping off my shirt and
slathering me up and down with Vicks Vaporub while I tried smacking her
hands away. She laughed and told me I didn't have anything she hadn't seen
before. She was a no nonsense woman that spoiled me terribly. That winter I
asked her what kind of a birthday party she wanted that coming summer and
she told me, 'I don't think I'll be around for that'. Well a few months
later we got a phone call that Gram had stroked in the strawberry patch and
was in the hospital. A few days later she died.
My heart was broken
into pieces. It was shattered when I heard that her son in law was telling
everyone it was my fault she'd died. That my wild and crazy behavior and my
being sick, was too much for her to handle. I couldn't help wondering if
that might be true.
A year later at age 15, I was caught stealing. My
dad took me to court and afterwards, stopped and got me the puppy I had
wanted my whole life, but didn't want now. He hadn't asked my mom if it was
ok, just dropped me home with this little lab puppy. I was pretty far gone
into partying by then (by his reasoning I would 'settle down' now that I had
a puppy to care for) and most days I'd leave that poor pup up in my room by
itself. I honestly don't know how long I'd had it, it was summer and it was
a blur of parties, alcohol and stupidity (I punched a gas pump while drunk,
22 stitches. The rumor in our village was that I'd tried to commit
suicide'), but one day I came home and the puppy was gone. My dad had picked
it up. Well I was sooooo relieved. I'd felt terrible guilt leaving it but
not enough to stay with it. I was a very selfish teen.
A week or so
after my dad took the puppy back, he called to tell me that he'd given the
puppy to his then girlfriend Janet. I was so happy! She had kids, it'd be a
great home for the pup. Then my dad says (almost in a rehearsed manner,
conversational like) but that didn't work out because the pup was too noisy,
so he brought it home to his apartment. Well, my dad went on to say, his
landlord had informed him that there was a no dog policy there, so he had
had no choice but to kill it.
At this point, I was already crying.
Over my tears I heard him calmly say, 'So I put it into a garbage bag and
ran over it a few times with my car'. I remember shrieking that he was the
insane one, that he should be the one seeing a shrink, not me (they had me
seeing a psychologist at that time), then hanging up on him. I was
DEVASTATED to the core of my being.
My mother and her new boyfriend were
sitting on the floor of the empty living room watching me (he was in the
process of moving in). My mom was fed up with me at this point due to my bad
behavior and so there was zero sympathy there. I remember her coldly
looking at me, totally unavailable emotionally while I was literally,
LITERALLY dying inside. I felt completely abandoned. I didn't talk to my dad
again for about 5 years and a serious schism now formed between me and my
THAT DAY A PART OF ME
DIED AND I HAD THE SPIRT OF HATE MOVE IN AND TAKE UP RESIDENCE
That day a part of me died and I had the spirit of hate move
in and take up residence. My wild lifestyle ratcheted up to a whole new
level and I remember not caring anymore if I lived or died. I actually HOPED
I'd die, because wouldn't that be the perfect answer to my life? Suicide was
never an option but accidental death? Sure, why not? Bring it on. The guilt
and pain I felt was almost to the point of being unbearable. I was filled
with self-loathing, hatred and hopelessness and felt it smothering me.
I left that day and found myself at an Indian convention way up north
near Wawa, partying for 2 weeks. It was during this time that I lost my
virginity, in the dirt, in the rain, under a picnic table. This is a pretty
apt picture of what level my self-worth was at. I went on to stay with that
boy for a full year, during which my self-esteem was beaten into the ground
via a series of unfortunate events involving cheating, drunken rages, and
I never really tried in school. I would hang out in the smoking
section (yep they had those back then) with the 'rockers'. They were the
kids who smoked, smoked dope, skipped all the time, had zero goals and even
less expectations of you. I liked them a lot, they accepted people as they
were. At age 17 I ended up with a guy 6 years older than me. For 2 years I
was with him and it was much the same as my first relationship.
muddled through high school absolutely hating it and learning very little.
When I got the form for grad pictures, I promptly dropped out with only 3
credits to go. I remember very clearly thinking, 'Someone like ME graduate?
I met my future husband in a bar when I was 20 years
old and found myself pregnant at the age of 21. My daughter was such a
blessing! I knew what all-consuming love was the moment they put her into my
arms. I knew I would do anything for her, that I'd do anything to protect
her, that I would literally kill anyone who hurt her. Ok, maybe it was a
crazy kind of love!! But there is nothing like a mother's love I found out.
A week or so after she was born, she was inside our teenie little
apartment crying and I was out on the steps crying. I was far removed from
all family, my then boyfriend (future husband) would take off for hours and
I would be left alone in our apartment with no phone, just me and the baby.
Well that day while we were both having meltdowns, I realized I had a
MASSIVE responsibility. That this little baby was depending on ME to teach
her what was right and what was wrong. I had to teach her to be a good
person and I realized I wasn't one and I had to learn. I also knew quite
clearly that I couldn't just walk away and give up, like I had with every
other thing in my life. That at the very least, she was mine to raise for 18
So I started to change. For her. I started reading
parenting books and magazines, I got a library of children's books, I
educated myself and went by the book raising her. I had my beautiful and
somewhat furry son 2 years later. We moved to a townhouse complex when my
daughter was 3 and my son was 1 and stayed there for 3 years.
met Laurie. She was a woman a few years older than me who had 3 girls, the
eldest of which was dying of leukemia. Laurie was the first born again
Christian I'd ever met and was so full of peace, I couldn't understand it.
Her daughter was dying but she was peaceful about it. The peace in her eyes
was something I would think about many, many times in the future. They'd
been smoking/drinking/partying bikers and Jesus healed them overnight. At
the time I was super skeptical and thought she was exaggerating.
decided a good parent goes to church so I started searching for the right
one. I went to Laurie's home church to see what they believed in. Well the
Lord wasn't ready for me to get the message yet because all I recall is them
saying a child is born in sin. To me, that was unfathomable and ridiculous
so I never went back, however I did send my daughter to participate as she
played with their children. Also during this time I had a very nice
Jehovah's Witness visit me and tell me about her religion. The 144,000 going
to heaven sent off alarm bells so I decided it was not for me either.
While living at the townhouse complex, I had a best friend. The cement
of our friendship was to sit over tea and talk about everyone else. If
someone had a fault, we'd find it, talk about it, etc. Well when I moved
away after the 3rd year, she told EVERYONE everything I'd ever said. So I
received screeching phone calls, got doors slammed in my face and like a
magician, disappeared our entire social circle in one fell swoop. My first
instinct was to tell these people that hey! SHE said just as bad/mean
things!! My husband stepped in and said, leave it, it's done. If you do
that, then you're just as bad as she is. Just stop. I have to interject here
that I am FOREVER grateful to this woman for what she did because she ended
up doing me a great favour by exposing me as I was. Some people go through
their entire lives never seeing their true (ugly) self so they can never fix
things or change. I'm triply grateful to my husband for stepping in and
stopping me from making a bigger fool of myself.
Now that was HARD.
Not defending myself was difficult but the much more excruciating part was
looking in the mirror. My mask had been ripped off. I saw myself for the
small minded, gossipy, mean person that I was. I was stripped bare and I
hated what I saw. I finally faced that I COULD NOT BE WRONG. It was
unacceptable. I would fight tooth and nail and stand my ground, even if a
mountain of new information poured in to prove me wrong. If I DID admit I
was wrong then I would be admitting I was stupid, a moron, a dummy. I knew
this had to change.
So that year, on that farm we'd moved to (yep
City Mouse to Country Mouse), I began my 'year of redemption'. I volunteered
at Sparks (lowest level of Girl Guides) and did amazing things. By the time
I left a year later, their bank account was up hundreds of dollars, the
empty craft room was filled to the brim, we had a couple of parade trophy's
(I single handedly put together a float'I kid you not. Forget Redbull,
redemption/shame gives you wings!), and more kids were joining every day. I
also took that year to read the bible.
Well after I read the
bible, not gonna lie, I hated God. It did nothing for me at all but made me
think God was a homicidal maniac going around condoning mass killings. When
God gives you eyes to see, you'll see, if He doesn't, you won't. At that
time He didn't so I didn't. So when we moved, despite thinking all this, I
still made my family go to church a total of 3 times in a row. The fourth
Sunday I told everyone to go back to bed. It wasn't doing anything for me
and I just couldn't do it. I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to
hell and hit the couch, totally depressed.
This depression lasted a
good few months. I was still smarting from losing all our friends and then I
find out that my former gossip buddy had lost all the weight she'd been
battling for years. I was still smoking like a chimney, which was my huge
obstacle. So she was winning and I was still failing. An old friend called
me and kept at me about going to college, when I wasn't amenable she got an
attitude and we stopped talking, no longer having any common ground.
At Christmas that year, my father gave me a book called 'The Witch In
Every Woman' thinking it was funny if you changed the W to a B. At that time
I would cheerfully call myself a B and be quite proud of it (like SO many
women are conditioned to think today), so it wasn't offensive to me. I
shelved the book and still felt depressed.
I had the kids all
dressed up in their holiday finery when my mom and stepdad came to visit. I
asked her, 'Well Nana, what do you think of your grandchildren now?' Her
reply completely floored me. 'Well I'm surprised they turned out with all
the drugs you've done'. When she left I became so depressed it was all I
could do to get dressed each day and pick the kids up from school. I wanted
to die and prayed a plane would crash into just my apartment, to just take
me out of this misery. Never in my life had I been brought so low. I felt
like a complete and utter failure.
Well no plane came'Instead a show
popped up on TV and it was Shirley MacLaine, saying she hadn't lived until
she was 40 years old. I jumped up thinking, YES and went to the library to
get her book. That book took me straight into almost 20 years of new age. I
went from sneaking around reading about things like tarot cards to actually
using them. I took courses on chakras, tarot cards, tea leaves, went to
meditation, saw psychics, etc, etc. I dug out the book my dad had given me
and found myself feeling naughty doing my first spell.
I made spirit
boards, celebrated solstice's, burnt sage, collected spells, did spells,
made a huge circle on my craft room floor of all the most ancient wiccan
holidays with the four directions marked out precisely, did yoga regularly
and on and on. I read so many books they'd be impossible to list. I
experienced many strange things over those years like during a chakra
meditation a 'spirit' standing behind me, or a circle of meditating women
who caused the room to warm up then cool down, or 'zapping' a woman with the
energy in a healing circle (just to see if it was possible). These odd
things kept me interested and engaged and believing in all of these things.
That summer I decided to tell my mother exactly how much her words had
hurt me, so maybe she could understand and not do it again in the future. I
prayed to God before I sat down to please come into this conversation. So
sitting across from her, outside in the sunshine, I told her about how hurt
I'd been, and how depressed it made me, etc. Her reply was, 'Well I've
always wondered how your kids turned out normal' Well clear as a bell I
heard, 'You can choose to be hurt again or you can understand that she
genuinely has NO clue'. I saw that nope, she just didn't understand and that
I didn't NEED her to get it. So I patted her on the shoulder and asked what
she was growing in her garden this year. I literally felt a massive weight
lifted off of me that day. The power of forgiveness in action!
order to fully experience spirituality in the pagan world, you have to 'let
go'. Well I was always far too stubborn to do that, thank the Lord. Anytime
I felt a presence (that prickly feeling that someone is standing behind you
or near you) I would snap right out of my meditation or snap to attention,
'ruining' the moment.
After about a decade into all of this, I wanted
to go to workshops to 'expand my consciousness'. I remember wanting SO bad
to meet a wise person to guide me. Like a guru or wise old man or old crone
figure to teach me all they knew. I found out that all professed wise people
also have HUGE price tags attached. I quickly became disillusioned and
finally wrote to one such person, whose books I had read and whom I held in
great esteem. I asked her why her weekend of teaching was $700 and didn't
even include rooms or food. Her answer was on the snarky side (which shocked
me greatly) saying that she 'had called the universe to supply her with
money and it wasn't HER fault I hadn't managed to do the same. Maybe I
should visualize having wealth harder then I could afford to go to her
The new age movement is very very sly and sneaky. It's all
YOUR fault if you don't have everything you want. It's all YOUR fault if you
get hurt, your house burns down, your husband leaves you or whatever, all
because of karma. In a past life, they'd say, YOU burned down someone's
house so now you're paying that karmic debt. In a past life YOU left your
husband, so pay up. So if someone, heaven forbid, get's raped, injured, or
dies, the new ager can turn around and say without sympathy, that it's just
karma, maybe they'll get it right in the next life. Another way they explain
your terrible luck is that you're attracting these things due to YOUR
intentions. Your thoughts are creating your reality so just stop being so
I knew God was real, I mean anyone with eyes can see
there's intelligent design in everything, everywhere. My conundrum was 'What
God'? Was it this man/woman God? Was it the universe? Was God in everything
like pantheism? Was it the bible God? Well the answer I made up, yes I just
made it up because that's ok in the new age. I was so arrogant I patchworked
together my beliefs made up of things that made sense to me intellectually
and called it the 'truth'. So I prayed to 'God/goddess/great spirit/all' so
I would get the 'right' God. I did this for years.
That first day patch free in
years, I realized I hadn't prayed in a looooonng time. I just looked up at
the ceiling and flippantly said, 'What now God?' Well'little did I know that
two second prayer would change my life forever!
The next day I woke
up and instead of jumping on my game and wasting 8 hours playing, I instead
found myself Googling 'laws since 9/11'. NO idea why I did this, but the
next thing I knew I was falling down a never ending rabbit hole. I reeled in
shock at the new laws in place that took away ALL rights of citizens of the
States in an emergency situation, all food, all water, all buildings,
EVERYTHING. Next I came across an article on Canada's former Minister of
Defense talking about the USA disclosing their UFO files, like the rest of
the world. WHAT? So I found myself reading all these formerly classified
documents on government websites.
That made me think of all those
people who claimed to have had abduction experiences. So I started looking
them up and was totally freaked out. They were taken against their will and
BAD BAD things were done to them. How could any of us protect ourselves from
that?? I looked up how to stop an alien abduction and that was the first
time the name 'Jesus Christ' came up. I scowled and rolled my eyes and
ignored it. As a new ager I firmly believed Christianity was dead.
From there I looked at the Disclosure Project and watched the director try
to claim 'aliens are friendly'. I had just read all kinds of abductions
where people were probed and poked and experimented on, so I had high doubts
about this claim. It made me wonder about the whole purpose of this project
and why 5 star Generals and high ranking officials were suddenly coming out
with this information and why world governments were releasing these files
and why these officials who had publically shamed people claiming to have
these experiences a couple decades ago were now saying, oh, our bad, they
weren't crazy tin foil hat wearing kookoo's after all! We lied, it's ok now!
I believe the next thing I came across was a video about worldwide
weather and mass animal deaths. I was startled as it reminded me of
I learned about Bohemian Grove, Skull and Bones, all
these old boys clubs that seemed to be based on very dark paganism. I was
really shocked to see how many people were throwing up the horns, the 'Mano
Cornuto', the supposed 'rock on' sign. For my generation it's supposed to
mean rock on, but when you see really old political figures (in ALL
countries) doing it and all of the higher echelon of society who run this
world, you have to take notice. This hand sign is actually a curse or a show
of allegiance to Satan, the 'devil horns'. The pope doing a double handed
one was an eye opener that made me look up the Catholic Church and I was
staggered by the fact that they were just as pagan as me! They also changed
God's top 10, which even I, as a new ager, knew was a huge no no. I saw that
the statues they worshiped were the same ancient Roman/Greek god's/goddesses
that had been bowed to since the beginning of time just renamed after bible
This led me to a search on ancient statues/architecture of
the world and I saw that MILLIONS of dollars (or perhaps billions?) had been
spent on keeping all of these ancient god/goddess statues on every continent
as art. Keeping them alive in a sense. Here's a great video series on
'Illuminati' architecture worldwide.
This led to learning about Freemasons, the Shriner's, Knight's of Columbus,
the UN, the Bilderbergers, the Council on Foreign Relations, the world banks
and on and on. I saw how we have been corralled into using banks, that you
can't get work without a bank account, you can't pay your bills without a
bank account, etc. My head was exploding with so much information and once
again, the book of Revelation popped into my mind and the buy/sell mark of
the beast. Revelation 13:16-18
I learned about symbols and their
meanings, which blew me away. Our world is inundated with 'signs' and most
of us are completely oblivious of their actual meaning. One remark I recall
stumbling on was something along these lines: 'Even the meanest, most
illiterate peasant from a few hundred years ago would run shrieking in
horror at all of the overt satanic symbols that permeate every aspect of our
world today. We are all completely oblivious to any of these signs/symbols
yet arrogantly proclaim we are smarter than our gullible ancestors.'
I learned about the MK Ultra mind control program, about governments
secretly testing all manner of drugs, biological agents, etc. on their
people. I learned about HAARP, and Monsanto and the genetically modified
foods that I'd been eating unaware for years. I learned about false flag
operations, saw faked TV footage of actors pretending they were under attack
which made me question the honesty of the news I'd naively trusted all my
life. I learned about chemtrails and almost drove right off the road when I
first saw them. Ironically I'd always fancied myself a cloud watcher and
honest to goodness have NO idea how I didn't notice these trails
crisscrossing the sky before that moment. I learned that yoga is actually a
religion and it means 'to yoke' with a god or goddess. We see it as a benign
exercise but there's SO much more to it that we aren't taught.
learned that the Olympics was extremely pagan in origin and that the
lighting of the torch ceremony looked pretty similar to witchcraft/spell
casting to me. I saw that the Olympic ceremonies were very dark and filled
with all sorts of pagan imagery. The 'biggest crunch' biting of the apple
ceremony for the paralympics blew me away. It was supposedly to honor
Newton and the apple falling on his head. Combined with the rest of the
opening ceremony, I felt it actually related to Adam and Eve, the garden of
Eden and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. (Genesis 2:17
I found out that the top 6 news networks are all owned by
the elite, the wealthy men who also own Hollywood, who also own the
banks, who also own the world as a result of these things. I began to
look at everything with a jaded eye, no longer trusting anything and
questioning everything. I saw that I had been led emotionally to believe
a great many things based on what the newspaper said or a TV program
said or after I'd watched a great movie. If something on the TV makes
you react in a BIG emotional way, step away and pray about it. Chances
are great you're being led a certain way so the enemy can bring in a new
law or churn up hatred and fear or sympathy for the devil. Literally, I started watching
dystopian movies as many old movies showed a future that was already
happening. So by my reasoning, they'd still be doing that today. The first
thing I noticed was their use of Jesus's name as a curse word. I was
startled to see them using it more than the F bomb. They also used God's
name a lot and pretty much trampled it. I'd never even noticed this in
movies before? Now it stood out, so obviously. You have to understand, I had
used Jesus's name as a curse word for my whole life as I'd been raised
hearing it, just as my kids were raised hearing it. But suddenly it grated
on my senses and I was wondering why all movies were doing this? Why were
they bothering? It was like they had a beef against ' Jesus?? It just made no
sense to me at that time. Photo Credit: tapnews.com
I came across an amazing video: Hollywood
Unmasked - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw_YKqMSHXg
. The host quoted the
bible a lot and I wasn't liking that much but his delivery was so calm,
well-spoken and matter of fact that I watched. What that video showed me was
the Christian view of Hollywood and how TV and movies have guided the morals
and values of the people watching. That show made me start thinking about
evil, something paganism/the new age tends to ignore.
I saw that
they'd tainted our food, our water, our air, were vaccinating people whether
they liked it or not, our kids were forced into their schools, taught what
they wanted, shown movies that looked good on the surface but were rotten
beneath, that 'aliens' existed and could show up anytime and start nabbing
people from their beds while they sleep, that the people in charge could
care less about any of us and that that was why everything caused cancer and
why a cure would never ever be found. That cancer was one of the biggest
booming businesses on the planet. And Agenda 21 was a real government
document. Our world was insane!
I came across celebrities who
admitted that they sold their soul for fame and or had 'altar ego's' (in the
new age it's called 'channeling'). I was shocked. Those cute popular pop
songs they played on the radio a zillion times a day had seriously messed up
video's that had nothing to do with the lyrics.
All of these
musicians seemed to be promoting satanic or dark occult themes in their
video's as were many of these annual awards ceremonies. One video of a very
popular singer, who also hosts a family friendly prime time show, features
him and a girl making whoopee all covered in blood in an abattoir (where
they butcher animals). I've found that Hollywood creates an innocent/family
friendly persona for TV but online, it seems that bloody, evil, and satanic
themes are frequently 'normal'. So 2 images are created and unwittingly,
people believe they are 'good' people never realizing they are the
equivalent of an iceberg---you can only see the tiniest bit on top, but the
fullness of who they are and what they promote, is beneath the water. It
seemed like every artist, mocked Jesus and the cross in some way, shape or
form at some time. I was beginning to realize there WAS an obvious vendetta
against Jesus Christ.
At this point I was just terrified at
everything I'd learned. I felt like a huge invisible net was already over
the entire earth and that everything was in place where we'd never have a
chance if the powers that be decided to take over. For 2 LONG weeks I
literally felt like my flight/fight reaction was in full blown freak out
mode and wondered how long a person could live on this high alert? I felt so
hopeless. There was nothing we could do to protect ourselves. I honest to
goodness thought I was going to keel over from heart failure.
sure the Lord was getting impatient with me waffling because the next bit of
information I ingested was the final push. I learned about chimera's, how
scientists were trying to determine 'how much human is human' when it comes
to blending DNA from animals with human DNA. The spider silk goat (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BioSteel
tipped my barrel fully over. A goat whose milk expressed spider silk that
was stronger than Kevlar. I was shocked. This was GOD's CREATION they were
twisting!! I knew that moment, that second that the DEVIL WAS REAL, that he
was alive and well and in full force on earth. I knew it without a doubt
like I knew the sky is blue and the grass is green. I knew in the exact same
moment that JESUS CHRIST WAS REAL, that the bible was the TRUTH. I hit my
knees for the first time in my entire life and started bawling like a baby.
Words cannot do justice to what happened to me. It was the single
most momentous moment of my entire existence. I was changed SO FAST and so
dramatically, it's mind boggling. It still brings tears to my eyes just
thinking about it.
I felt waves of horror and shame ooze down me in a
stark freezing cold slide of emotion. That feeling when you're WRONG was
amplified x 1000 and I was absolutely undone as I saw who I was, what I was,
what I'd done, and what I'd believed. For 3 days I cried my heart out and
begged for forgiveness. The worst thing was using Jesus's name as a curse
word and mocking my mother's Christian beliefs. I cried and cried and cried.
I also hid it. I became glaringly aware that I was living with people who
might not like me anymore. I knew I was changed, everything I knew was
flipped upside-down and inside out, and things I could have SWORN were good, I
now recoiled in horror from and visa versa. I couldn't believe how BLIND I'd
been. I was a completely different person. Inside and out.
the scales fell from my eyes. I could NOT see before God allowed me to. I
knew I had to get a bible and start reading it. My mom gave me an old KJV
her Nana had given to her when she was 12. It was a completely different
experience reading it from the last time. I loved it. It makes a HUGE
difference when you know without a doubt it's the truth and God gives you
eyes to see and ears to hear.
Forever a coward, I hid that I was
reading the bible as I believed it would be viewed negatively by my family.
I stopped cussing like a sailor although I have still have rare lapses, my
HUGE temper outbursts are almost nonexistent when prior they were daily, my
whole demeanor is different, I'm kinder, more prone to laughter and a
million times more patient. The first time my daughter visited after I was
saved she said that I was 'glowing'.
I took all my tarot cards, my
books, my runes, my herbs, my candles, my hand carved magic wands, clothing,
pictures, etc. Everything satanic went out to be burned. Even though my
husband had no idea what was happening to me, he knew that I wanted that
witches circle I'd painted in the back room covered over and he immediately
painted it for me.
I burned a few thousand dollars worth of items I'd
acquired over 15 years or so. I knew I could have sold it all for $500 or
more and we were struggling financially, but I found myself tossing it all
into the fire. I could not ethically and morally put it back into the world.
Very shortly after my transformation, my daughter called me to tell me
an old man had approached her at work and told her about a dream she'd had
and was bang on. She gave him her number and he was going to discuss dreams
with her. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I was always on the lookout for a
'wise man/woman' to teach me and prior to Jesus saving me, I would have been
all, 'wow, this is AWESOME, go see what he says' (I kid you not, I totally
. When I got upset and told her not to call him she asked me
what was wrong with me. I mumbled something about evil and Jesus and she
said in a cool tone, 'If you think you're talking to me about God and Jesus,
then I'm never talking to you again'. I was crushed and I knew I deserved
it. After all, I was the one who had raised her that way.
thought I was so open minded and tolerant. I was of everything BUT
Christianity and Jesus Christ. Every other belief system is tolerated in the
new age EXCEPT Christianity. Jesus is either devalued as 'just another wise
man' or thrown under the bus as a myth that didn't exist. I had honestly
thought I'd raised my kids amazingly well and now saw so many faults I was
cringing in shame.
A few days later, my daughter called me again. She
was having horrifying nightmares. She actually claimed to see a 'thing' in
her room, she felt it'd been circling her bed while she slept. She was
absolutely terrified. This went on every night for about a month and she
started sleeping with all the lights on. At times she felt like she was
being tugged off the bed. In retrospect I feel that that old man sent these
things when she refused to answer his calls.
I suggested all the
common remedies, warm milk, don't exercise before bed, watch what shows
you're watching, play nice music, take a hot bath, try sleepy tea, try
reading and on and on. Nothing seemed to work. She became afraid to go to
sleep and I honestly thought she was going insane. Schizophrenia had reared
its ugly head in our genetic line before and I was crushed, thinking she was
going mad. I was on the verge of suggesting she see a psychiatrist and go on
medication, when it happened to ME.
I started having the craziest,
most surreal nightmares I'd ever had in my life (they actual seemed realer
than real life). Words CANNOT do justice to this but I'll try. I started
waking up feeling something was in the room or just leaving the room and a
thick, syrupy evil feeling that permeated the air. The nightmares I was
having were the worst, heart thumping, realistic, crazy ones I'd ever had in
my entire life. I'd be in that almost asleep state and 'feel' a face right
up to mine breathing on me and think, wow, my husband is awfully
(uncomfortably) close, only to open my eyes and nothing was there. I 'felt'
that whatever it was had been inhaling my exhales. One time I opened my eyes
after a particularly horrible night terror and saw the face of a 'grey
alien' hovering in the air over my face and it was sucked out the window,
getting progressively smaller until it disappeared. It stayed in my field of
vision for at least 4-5 seconds. I was dumbfounded.
That's when it
finally dawned on me that this was the spiritual battle referred to in
and that I was dealing with demons. So I started rebuking in the
name of Jesus Christ and guess what? Stopped INSTANTLY. So I told my
daughter and she did the same and they stopped. Even with this solid
evidence (which she used many many times) she still refuses to come to
Jesus, she wants to have 'fun' and enjoy life. So anyone out there reading
this, please pray for the younger generation. They are Satan's biggest prey
and he's winning. She now calls me in the middle of the night to 'Pray this
thing away please' because using Jesus's name no longer works for her. I do
and it does.
I have to be honest, if I hadn't experienced that
myself I would never have believed it. My daughter would be on some crazy
mind altering med's and probably be half insane by now. So thank you Jesus!!
BELIEVE THE PATH TO HELL WILL BE PAVED WITH "COOL" PEOPLE
I fully believe the path to hell will be paved with 'cool'
people. People would rather do cool things, act cool, be thought of as cool
people rather than even consider 'boring' Christianity. They have NO idea
what they're missing out on. The truth, the Word, and Jesus Christ have made
my life a thousand times FULLER than it ever was. As another Precious
Testimony person said (paraphrasing here), 'We all have a God sized hole in
our heart and you can toss cars, money, trips, and things in there, but only
Jesus Christ will fill it and make you complete'. Now THAT is the truth.
We ARE in a spiritual battle. People need to put on the full armor of
God. WE ARE IN A DEAD SERIOUS FIGHT FOR OUR VERY SOULS. (Ephesians 6:10-18) I
cannot stress this enough. My heart breaks every day seeing the world
sleeping, everyone is ASLEEP. I pray every single day for everyone around me
to have their eyes opened, to see the truth, to hear the truth, to know the
truth. God help us all.
I still continued to smoke after being saved
for about 4 months. My husband would always say, 'We have to quit' and the
quitting day would come, we'd go without for an hour or two and I'd give in.
We'd done this little song and dance for going on 20 years and had it down
to an art form. So it was always MY fault that we kept smoking. Well right
after Christmas he says, 'We're quitting on the 27th', I said 'ok' and the
day came and one hour went by, then two. By 3 hours, he was antsy and looked
at me and said, 'What're you doing??' I looked at him smugly and said,
'Quitting?' By hour 5 he was pacing, hour 7 he was furiously demanding to
know what I thought I was doing?? How was I doing it??? I said, well I just
pray and the craving goes away. Well the look he gave me! He was NOT
impressed ha! 9 hours later I finally took pity on him and sent him to the
store to get himself a pack. He quit 4 days later and it was so HARD for
him. I had to give him bigtime kudo's because I didn't quit under my own
power and he did, so that's pretty commendable!
I didn't have ANY
intention of quitting that day. Never even entered my mind that I wanted to
quit. I'd been smoking for 20 years and figured I'd quit 'maybe someday'. I
smoked compulsively/obsessively. If I ran out, I wouldn't hesitate to smoke
butts. I would buy cigarettes before FOOD. I hated visiting people who
didn't smoke and avoided them. I couldn't go anywhere without them.
Cigarettes OWNED me. I would beg, borrow or steal to get them and I HATED
smoking. I hated the smell, I hated my yellow teeth and fingers. I hated how
our home smelled, I hated the ashtrays, I hated the coughing, I hated the
cost. It didn't calm me down, it didn't de-stress me, it didn't help me in
any way or fashion and I couldn't even say I enjoyed the taste because I
didn't. But every morning like clockwork, first thing I'd do is light up and
it was the last thing I'd do at night. I'd smoke anywhere up to 4-5 smokes
an hour (or more) on any given day.
So for me to just up and quit
was unimaginable. I woke up that day and it was GONE. Not only was the
desire to smoke, but the IDEA of smoking was gone. It felt like I'd never
smoked a day in my life. That day I had a few very mild cravings and I
prayed them away and they instantly disappeared. I have had the odd craving
once in a blue moon, but really it was incredibly easy to walk away.
Last summer my husband had a motorcycle accident and it is an absolute
bonafide miracle that he survived. He went down, on the highway going 85
km/h (that's 52.8 mph for you Americans) on his head and tumbled down the
highway like a ragdoll. He'd been cut off by a vehicle hauling a camper.
They didn't even notice. The man following behind my husband in a car with
his two kids, swore they were witnessing a man's last moments on earth. He
was astounded when my husband stood up and picked up his bike then asked for
a ride. The damages were bad, don't get me wrong, but considering the speed
he went down at there HAD to be divine intervention going on there. That
accident changed him, changed his eyes. He's calmer, softer, kinder, and
In the past two years I have done more creatively than
I have in the last 20 years, heck, my whole life! My productivity rate has
been off the charts. My confidence grows daily as does my self-esteem. I'm
not too sure what the future holds, but that's not really for me to worry
about now is it? I'm striving to live in faith every day that the Lord will
take care of my needs as He knows better than I do what I need. (Matthew 5-7)
I no longer feel divided. Desiring money, fame, fortune, that
vacation, envying others, needing people to find me attractive or 'cool',
and on and on vs the tug of knowing I shouldn't feel these things. It's
gone. It all seems so trite and so small in comparison to the truth. I have
downsized my life and plan to continue doing so. My new word is 'ruthless'
as I am ridding our live of excesses, of things we just do not need. Our
local thrift store is filled with our old stuff now.
My entire life
I'd always felt dirty. No matter how clean my clothing, how tidy my hair or
how well presented I was, I always felt smeared with dirt. Now, for over two
years, I have felt clean for the first time I can remember.
continues to work in my life as we speak. I'm still a 'work in progress' and
have waaaay more things I need to do. It took a full year and a bit for me
to lay down my life for Jesus and to say, take it, do whatever YOU want. How
stubborn am I and how patient and longsuffering is our Lord?
to say THANK YOU to Norm Rasmussen for his video about giving your testimony
and how if you're waiting until you're 'finished', then you'll never give it
because we're never finished. I had been waffling, waiting until I was
Norm, what you have done for the world is absolutely
incredible and hat's off to you and everyone at PT for doing what you do!
God Bless you brother and everyone there!!
If you haven't asked
already, ask God, 'What now?' He might just surprise you and show you! May
the Lord Bless you and yours with the TRUTH, because that is the most
important thing we all need to know. EVERYTHING good comes out of that.
God Bless you all,