Jesus Did It!
By: Deborah Hawkins
would like to keep my testimony brief because it is already written in a book
called "Dark Seeds 3am",
(written by Debz Hawkins), which was published in 2012. I will tell you more about this at the end. I put off writing my story for many years for several reasons. There were many areas that surfaced; numerous fears and insecurities that stopped me from writing and sharing my testimony. Here are some of them.
Fear of failure.
I wasn't good enough to write a book.
What if I publish my book and get loads of people asking for help.
The thought of reliving my past would be too much for me.
I felt oppressed every time I tried to write.
I lacked courage and felt a coward about the whole thing.
I lacked finances, how was it all going to happen.
What would my family think?
Could I even write a book with ill health on top, namely Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, and Lupus. Should I do it, in the face of adversity?
Eventually I knew it was God's will for me to testify of his goodness, to share of a Saviour, Jesus Christ, and be bold to step out in faith so that others may know about the mercy and love of God; know about the most amazing compassion of a never changing eternal God who wants not one soul to perish. It was time to act upon my faith.
As I look back over the years I can acknowledge that I never thought it possible that I would be healed of deep emotional pain and numerous traumatic experiences, or be delivered from the blackest darkness.
Abducted at the age of four years but
thankfully found and returned to my mother's arms, life for me as a young child
was strange, frightening, and depressing. As I grew up I was subjected to
ghostly apparitions with other members of my family also witnessing such things.
My father had an unusual interest in me and on two occasions sexual abuse had
also entered my life before the age of ten years. I was so unhappy at home I
started to miss school and became distant from any friends I had made.
Eventually I ran away from home as a young teenager of 12 to 13 years getting
into all sorts of trouble. Drugs, alcohol, boys and motorbikes. Sadly and
tragically at the tender age of thirteen I went through a multiple rape;
the physical and mental damage that I suffered was huge, and although some
justice was served with the men responsible going to prison for a very long
time, it did not take the pain and shame away that I felt.
The authorities sent me to an approved school and then borstal as I continued to spiral downwards, and things just got blacker and more sinister. I spent 16 months in borstal and rebelled all the way, cutting my arms with glass, tattooing my skin with pencil lead, and generally being unhappy. My world was opened up to the occult through a girl I made friends with in the borstal and when I lost my mother of cancer at fifteen I felt life had dealt me too many hard blows, my rebellion continued, and so did my broken heart. I ended up homeless. I hitchhiked around the country as an empty soul, just drifting, with no belief that my situation could change or that I even had a future.
I stole books on witchcraft and black magic and linked my heart and passion to Satan. At 3am I summoned Satan to bind me to him and demanded that as he was now my Father, he should appear. After invoking Satan to come, my soul that was in demand that night was not given over. After this dramatic event I went back on the road and it was then that something happened that would have an amazing transforming impact upon me later on.
I was standing in the rain waiting for a car to stop and pick me up, a car pulled over after I waited for about 30 minutes. I got in the car and noticed straight away a sticker on the dashboard, which said, I am the way, the truth, and the life. I asked the driver what it meant.
For the rest of the journey he gave me a lecture about Jesus and who Jesus was. Because I was a disturbed kid, I could not take in one word he said; I did not understand. He might as well have been talking another language. He introduced me to some other Christians who tried to help me. But that too went wrong. But the most important thing was this man told me about Jesus and sowed a seed. I ran away again and pursued by demonic voices and compelled to look further into the occult, I joined some people who were forming a coven. I was seventeen. On Halloween after dropping some acid tabs (L.S.D), which is a hallucinogenic drug and being partly initiated into Witchcraft, the evening went horribly wrong. I suffered a bad trip and had a complete mental breakdown. When I came out of it, I was never the same. This is how I felt.
My mind moved with great velocity, into a nightmare of blood.
I travelled through the veins of distortion, my thoughts screamed out, but my lips did not move.
Crushing insanity blackened my perception; a taste of sulphur filled my mouth and throat, as seconds became an eternity, burning pain seared my soul.
Contaminated, my brain twisted into knots, as darkness converged, I ceased to exist as my breath expired.
When I awoke, I could not communicate properly. I thought my food was poisoned. I heard voices. I saw distortions of my face in a mirror. I believed everyone else could see my madness. I could not integrate socially. I could not be receptive. I screamed all the time. I slept very little. I was filled with dread, as mind and body separated as disembodiment became my reality. I was suicidal because of the torment. I could not be left alone. I was unable to have any physical contact, if my body met another body by touch, I would dissolve into them, and disappear. I was in hell.
Who would think that I would recover from this?
I sought help through a friend after I managed to get away from those who were evil; my friend got a priest who put me through an exorcism, which didn't help.
A year later after suffering with paranoid schizophrenia symptoms from the damage of an acid breakdown and occult exposure, I cried out to Jesus. The seed that was sown took root. In a desperate moment I screamed out the name of Jesus in the middle of a dis-embodiment experience. It was then that all the voices in my head stopped, and a peace and love so powerful came into me that I knew something wonderful had happened and that Jesus was alive. I did not know what being saved meant but later on it was explained to me that whoever calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved. My mind was back to being sound and on the day of my salvation I also stopped smoking and drinking, I no longer had the desire.
I was eighteen. A lot of other things occurred after my becoming a Christian but I have shared enough for you to know, that only Jesus can heal a broken heart and broken mind. Doctors cannot heal a mind so damaged as mine was; no tablet or medication can do that. No doctor can or medicine can heal the soul.
God took a broken person and made me a vessel for his glory. He sent his Son Jesus to come into my suffering and madness, reach out and save a precious soul who had no one, a soul that did not want to live. Jesus saved me and turned my life around. A great deal has happened since then; I have had six children of my own, I qualified as a counsellor, I set up as founder a project that ran for five years to help the marginalized and last year I published my book with the full story. I also took myself to college to complete a speaker's course.
My journey has not been easy, but in the midst of the storms, Jesus has been my strength, and the Holy Spirit's peace and presence has been with me. There are two sites for you to look at. The first is www.darkseeds3am.co.uk; this is a web page showing my book. There are fourteen pages for free to read, it can be ordered via Amazon.com and is available on kindle. Each book sold '1 is donated to a community account that has been set up with Barclays Bank and my aim is to raise funds for a Christian recovery centre for the broken.
The second web site is www.focusfoundation.org.uk. This is a vision God gave me in regards to the recovery centre; it is a big vision, but anything is possible when God is involved and faith is the conviction of things unseen and hoped for. My email, should you want to contact me, is firstname.lastname@example.org. I live in Cambridge in the UK and I am about to move to Eastbourne in Sussex in May. I will be leaving all my family behind to serve God in my next step of the vision, which is to share my testimony and raise funds. Do I have the confidence to do this? It's not about my confidence or me, but it is about having the heart of our heavenly Father, who wants to save many souls. The reason the Son of God came was to destroy the devil's work.
I don't have it all together but I do have a heart to make a difference. Physically I still have daily pain and chronic fatigue, but pain should not be my dictator, the word of God is. Know that it is only as we trust God and obey, that great things can happen. I have been down many paths, ones that led to nowhere but destruction. I have known domestic violence and other wounds. Satan wants to kill, steal and destroy you. God wants to give you a spiritually abundant life and Jesus died to save you and deliver you from all that is dark. Go to Him, open up your heart, if you are sincere and mean it, Jesus will hear you and you will meet with Him.
God Bless you,
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Dear Reader - are you at peace with God? If not, you can be. Do you know what awaits you when you die? You can have the assurance from God that heaven will be your home, if you would like to be certain. Either Jesus Christ died for your sins, or He didn't (He did!). Are you prepared to stand before God on the Judgment Day and tell Him that you didn't need the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the Cross to have your sins forgiven and get in right-standing with God? We plead with you...please don't make such a tragic mistake.
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BOUND, BROKEN, BORN AGAIN
(The Deborah Hawkins Story)