I want to start off
by saying how
difficult this is
for me to share my
story with all those
who will read this.
This is a true story
and accurate to the
best of my ability
to remember.
Even though many of
you will never see
my face, the
thoughts of those
scars residing in
times past, will
without mercy
overwhelm me,
bringing that dark
and tortured
heartless nightmare
back to a saved man
once again. I
should tell you even
though these
memories may bring
great sadness to my
heart, they by no
means thrash me in
slavery as they once
did in my past. I
am a man who has
been covered by the
blood of One who
truly loves me, so
much so, that when
He took that wicked
man that I was, upon
Himself, I became
stripped and emptied
awaiting new
instruction, left
with a radiant new
heart, being saved
from the slavery in
which I was chained
to, for what I
thought was an
eternity without
hope.
Before I move
forward in sharing
with you my past,
you will come to see
someone who bore
great anger against
his father. By my
growth In Christ
Jesus through His
Love releasing me
from that dark self
made wickedness, I
have seen just how
lost that my father
truly was. His
pain, his sadness
and his inability to
see Christ and what
He has to offer, was
so far out of reach
that he sought no
relationship with
him, wanting no one
to speak with him
about God. I sorrow
greatly for him with
love bringing not
the past to the
present for any
accusation, holding
no anger against him
and have forgiven
him. I prayer in
hope for his soul,
knowing that he too
can become a mighty
tool in the
furthering of God’s
word with love being
released from the
torment within,
walking together as
brothers In Christ.
As a child I grew up
in a home which
harbored great
physical abuse upon
me and my siblings
whenever we did
anything wrong, or
just because our
father endured a
trying day at work.
My memories take me
back to a time when
my father’s rewards
for our wrongs would
bring the wrath of
his belt, his fist
or his open hands,
and if by any means
he did not feel
satisfied, he would
grab us by the
ankles, hanging us
upside down against
the wall and would
proceed in beating
our heads into the
floor.
We would be playing
with great joy and
sharing the thoughts
of a child-like
fantasy in some made
up war theme,
playing with little
green army men, when
suddenly our father,
swinging the door
open to our room
with great force,
bringing us to an
immediate trembling
in fear of the pain
that was about to
take place, grabbed
my brother lifting
him under the
shoulder with one
hand bringing him
high and to the
wall, proceeded to
beat him as if he
were a monstrous
beast to be killed.
My heart would race
and tears would fall
from my eyes knowing
that I was next and
with great confusion
and despair I could
not find a place to
hide avoiding the
anger that filled my
father’s heart at
that very moment.
When he finished
with his violent
corrections
inflicted upon my
brother, he quickly
threw him aside and
turned towards me as
if a lion’s hunger
was left
unsatisfied.
Quickly grabbing my
shirt by the chest,
with great force he
threw me against the
wall, striking me in
all vulnerable areas
across my body,
leaving me feeling
each blow like a
rippling explosion
consuming my body
every second. With a
quickening speed, he
pulled me away from
the wall just to
slam me back up
against it once
again, removing the
very breath that was
left within my body,
bringing my cries
for my mother to a
silence.
HE THREW ME AGAINST
A DRESSER LIKE I WAS
A TOY
Finishing his wrath
from exhaustion, he
threw me into the
dresser as if I were
a toy with such
strength that it
toppled over and
crushed me
underneath. The
pain from the
dresser falling upon
my body was so overwhelming that I
again lost my
breath, leaving me
with an inability to
cry out. Then
walking out to leave
us to care for our
own wounds, we laid
very still
attempting to calm
our rapid breathing,
crying in silence,
horribly afraid to
make our father’s
wrath any worse.
That night alone in
my room after
bedtime, by sheer
desperation, after
so many years of
abuse I sought the
help with praying
hands calling upon
Satan himself to end
my father’s reign in
our lives. In
peril and torment
lasting day after
day, hatred and
anger became common
place within my
heart, birthing a
vengeance inside of
me that only Satan
himself could place
a definition upon,
and by no means was
this vengeance
passive or
unresponsive.
At the very age of 9
years old, I fired
back, but not of my
own will ...
something in me
snapped, and even
though I was still
small in comparison
to my father, I was
a monster to be
feared.
After a beating from
my father one
process just
shattered. It was
as if something else
hoarded itself
within me, taking
over. Coming up
from the floor with
fire screaming from
my eyes, I proceeded
to attack my father,
grabbing anything
and everything that
was available to me
at that time. From
that moment on I
could only remember
bits and pieces of
flashes as to what
happened in all that
took place. I had no
idea as to what I
had done, the most I
can remember is my
father running from
me heading down the
stairs and from
there everything
went black as if my
very existence
ceased. I awoke and
everything in my
room was destroyed;
I struggled for air
but couldn’t get
enough; my sight was
hindered by a fading
blackness that would
come and go within
seconds; my body was
paralyzed with
exhaustion having
tears falling from
my eyes rolling off
my cheeks, listening
to every drop hit
the floor as if I
were floating over a
pond.
Within a few minutes
of my awakening I
heard sirens, and
soon after, the
sounds of many
footsteps racing up
the stairs running
to my room with many
people hovering over
me as if I were
going to die.
Sweeping me away
just as quickly,
they tied me to a
gurney - arms and
legs restrained from
any movement -
injecting me with
something that
immediately put me
to sleep. When I
awoke from the
medication that was
injected into me, I
found myself locked
in an institution
being assessed for
information
concerning my long
term stay.
It is with great
sadness for me to
say that my fears
and pains were not
over. I had a false
hope of safety from
the pains that I
thought would end.
I was now starting
with a completely
new round of torture
and pain; one that I
knew never existed,
leaving me feeling
hopeless and
worthless as if my
very life meant
nothing to anyone.
I was left without
hope of ever feeling
the love and joy
from any one person
again.
I soon found myself
in a downward spiral
facing over 20
different
institutions with my
years as a youth and
young adult. In
those institutions,
much hardships and
hatred was engraved
into me, searing
within the very
depths of my soul.
I was at the mercy
of those whom I was
supposed to trust
and yet even they
found in their
temptation ways to
hurt me without
others having any
knowledge,
threatening me of
the oncoming doom I
would endure if I
was to ever reveal
their dirty
secrets. In my
growth relationships
with others was, “to
say the least”,
unhealthy. All my
friendships and
relationships were
born and tilled in
these institutions.
My first girl,
fights, fun,
arguments and
schooling were all
part of my life in
these institutions.
I even received my
GED under the
guardianship of a
state institution.
By the time I was
sent back to my
parents, we were
moved by my father’s
new job within
months of my
release. In no
time, I lost the
ability to remain in
my new home because
of my disobedience
leaving me homeless
and in hunger. I
ended up finding a
place to stay in
these apartments
that were being
constructed about a
mile away and my
little brother with
his great dedication
would bring me food
and drink, hoping
for a better
solution to my
situation. But in
desperation and lack
of wisdom and anger,
I felt I had to make
a choice and I knew
no one in the new
state that I lived
in and knew many
from the state that
I left , so with
little money and no
clothes to pack I
left and headed to
those I knew best
and felt safest. To
my surprise very few
came to my response
for help, and being
under age, I had no
real avenue or
prospects for work.
The streets became
my home now and I
soon found out just
how keen predators
were in picking out
those who were
runaways or just
lost and desperate
souls.
I
WAS IN DANGER AND I
KNEW IT
It happened within
the first day. I
was manipulated into
going with this man
to his home and
being as hungry as I
was, the promise of
money through small
tasks, seemed
alluring, tempting
me to a degree of
happiness through
the pounding
uneasiness residing
within the depths of
my stomach. As soon
as we got to his
home these tasks
changed and he took
off his shirt and
requested that I rub
his back. I was in
danger and I knew
it, so giving him a
relaxed agreement, I
told him to lay down
and when he did I
immediately ran to
and out the door and
continued to run
until I could take
no more hiding in a
building shaking in
great fear of him
ever finding me.
You may find this to
be a lesser story to
which you might have
wanted to read but
nevertheless the
impact of the
immediate danger was
real and the
offenses of my past
granted me the
wisdom of
discernment. The
rules of survival
had changed; I was
no longer living in
a controlled
environment and no
longer were others
also limited by
their environment.
It was a grab for
all, especially in
the parts of the
city that I found to
be easy access to
the things I might
need.
As days went on I
soon became so
overwhelmed with
hunger that I raided
a McDonalds dumpster
in order to fill my
stomach. And fill
that stomach I did.
My time spent
looming on the
streets left cold,
hungry and scared
had me searching for
places on a nightly
basis to rest my
head in a safe
environment. The
goodwill dumpsters
became my home at
night finding warm
donated blankets and
safety because I
could dig myself
deep and be hid out
of site.
About a year later I
was so fed up with
the life on the
streets being
unpredictable at
every turn I soon
pickup a pay phone
and dialed 911
telling them that I
was a run away from
another state and I
needed help. It
didn’t take long for
them to arrive and
with gentleness they
brought me back to
the station and
questioned me as to
where I was from and
do I want to go
back. As much as I
didn’t want the same
thing to continue to
happen with me and
my father, I said,
“Yes - I want to go
home.” The officer
got up from the
table and went and
called my parent’s
house and soon
returned with an
angered look upon
his face. With
compassion and
regret he told me my
father never wanted
to see me again. I
was speechless but
not surprised and
yet for some reason
it hurt. I was soon
within 1 hour or so
delivered to a
lockup for kids
until they could
determine what to do
with me.
Within weeks I was
taken in front of
the family courts
asking me as to why
I was in the
situation that I was
and with the answer
explained they were
still left as to
where to put me. I
told them that I
could stay at a
homeless shelter
until my birthday
and then they could
release me from
state guardianship
at that time
reaching the age of
18. To my surprise
this was allowed.
After years in this
never ending cycle
of a perverted and
tampered edition to
the meaning of life,
I did find a way out
and to me it was the
Holy Grail (Drugs
and alcohol). These
two mind bending
products hid the
pain and brought
about a boy who in
times past could
only fantasize such
happiness. By no
means did this cure
me as to what I
thought was my life
beginning anew,
though I was numb to
the abominations of
my current and past
circumstances, what
I felt to be a new
life soon became a
hidden liability
changing me into the
hunter and not the
hunted. I inflicted
much pain and
tribulations upon
those whom I thought
were my friends and
those closes to me,
even the stranger
passing by. I’ve
stabbed people, and
stolen that which
never belonged to
me, from homes,
people, cars and
whatever I suppose
you could ponder. I
received what I
reaped in many
lockup facilities
and each time I came
out going right back
to the drugs and
alcohol, those
products I felt to
be the loved ones of
my life in that I
could trust and base
my daily decisions
on. I know now more
than ever that if I
hadn’t been under
such influence of
drugs and alcohol
that there would be
several people who
would be at peace in
their lives, not
troubled over being
victimized by what
they may interpret
as a heartless piece
of trash worthy of
only darkness behind
bars.
WHY DID ALL THIS
HAPPEN TO ME?
The thrashings of my
past living within
me dictating and
consuming my soul
with fire left me
alone not only
within myself but
brought a wall
between me and my
Creator. It was
always the thoughts
as to why did all
this happen to me
and how can I end
this with the
impurities and evil
to be imputed to all
those whom I felt
transgressed me. I,
of myself, became an
idol to my
surroundings and by
no means did I ever
feel or consider as
though I was
undeserving of the
satisfaction for
revenge. I cannot
stress the hatred
and the evil that
took comfort within
the depths of me. I
felt as if you all
had no right to live
and with that I was
the one who should
address the actions
into your deaths. I
ponder wicked
thoughts in my heart
and wished horrible
things to take place
upon others hoping
for their torturous
downfall. I wasted
so much time hoping
for the fall of
those who hurt me,
wishing those who
tore pieces from my
heart would suffer a
greater torment. I
never knew how much
time I wasted in
allowing such
thoughts to consume
me. My anger and
hatred for others
imprisoned me. I was
no one but belonged
to everyone.
I’ve spent 35 years
of my life thinking
of nothing more but
vengeance. In that
energy and emotion I
spent so much in
thought towards
others that I found
myself to be lonely,
hurting for more,
searching for truth
and peace from this
torture that I
myself fed
throughout my
lifetime.
Eventually my anger
directed itself
inward. I found
myself to be
thinking bad
thoughts just by
habit and yet my
very heart cried out
for understanding
and comfort. I could
take no more, I knew
no way out, my very
life was consumed
with the thoughts of
others and they
themselves where
carrying on with
their lives as
joyful and
fulfilling without
thought of me. I
didn’t matter to
them.
I was broken and
didn’t know it. I
was laid up in
sickness and dying
in an illness that
consumed me by
habit. The doctors
knew and spoke of my
nearing death. I
was finally at the
end. I could go no
father in my dying
body and I knew
within the marrow of
my very bones that I
was condemned. I
knew even though
that every part of
me was wicked and
undeserving that
there was still
hope. I knew because
I saw no other path
that lead out but
the path of
righteousness. I
broke down and cried
upon my covers and
asked with a fearful
bro ken heart
calling out to God:
‘Save
me Father, save me,
I am so undeserving
of your love, let
alone your desiring
attention, yet I,
Father, ask within
my cold and wicked
heart will you
please take this broken man that you see
and save me from the
depth of hell that I
so well deserve. I
am yours I
surrender; you have
all of me, do with
me what you wish,
just please come
into my life and
save me my Father.’
With those last
words coming to a
finish in my
prayerful cries to
God, a voice
penetrated every
part of my body,
giving me that
chance, allowing me
to know that He
would be there for
me, but it was the
only chance I had.
I was afraid, I had
not experienced such
a thing in my life,
but I submitted to
His authority and
from that very
moment on I walked
as a new born baby,
walking and
stumbling throughout
my new growth with a
new heart. I cried
so much in pain from
all the years I’ve
wasted not knowing
the love and
forgiveness that
God’s Son Jesus
Christ has had
awaiting for me.
My life was made new
in Christ. I am in
love with others
forgiving all,
thinking not of the
wicked things I can
do to others, but
having much concern
for those who take
so much of their own
thoughts and time to
justify their
hatred. I stemmed
such growth on the
very words of God to
counsel me in my
every step. If I
slipped and reverted
to a sneaking wicked
habit I would call
out the words of
encouragement and
love from the Bible
- casting down
imaginations and
every high thing
that exalts itself
against the
knowledge of God and
bringing into
captivity every
thought to the
obedience of
Christ. I knew in
my heart that I was
a refined individual
stepping ever closer
to that heavenly
gift promised to
me.
And yes my friends,
my walk with Christ
was not one filled
with riches and
complete peace in
this world but one
filled with riches
and peace within the
Holy Spirits
residing presence in
my body, having a
growth and
understanding from
the temptations and
hard times, refining
the new man that I
am, founded firmly
in God’s word ready
for that righteous
and revealing Day of
Judgment for all.
I NO LONGER STAND IN
FIRE WITH THE HATRED
OF SATAN IN MY HEART
In all, I may have
had some hard times
in my growth with
God but my heart
stayed at peace in
Jesus and as I drew
closer to Him, He
drew closer to me,
filling me with his
wisdom and love for
all. I could not
and would not trade
my true love “God
Almighty the Father
of our Lord Jesus
Christ” for the life
that I left behind.
I no longer stand in
fire with the hatred
of Satan within my
heart. I now stand
in righteousness
firmly founded upon
the true wisdom in
guidance and love
for every thought
and step I take in
this new life.
Our anger that we
hold in our hearts,
only projects an
image of immaturity
and loneliness
posting our feelings
as if we deserved
the throne of
charity, boasting
around about as if
we owned authority.
We already stand
condemned in our
lives without Christ
Jesus, even if we
live a life of joy
and prosperity, even
if you fill that you
stood strong guiding
your children up in
great wisdom, even
if you strived to
love and give to
others with all your
might and
dedication.
In all this,…
anger,… depression,…
happiness,… a giving
heart,… a dedicated
mother or father or
a hard responsible
worker, you will
still stand
condemned being
judged alone and
your sentence will
be that of an
eternity in the
depths hell to be
tormented forever,
never seeing another
death again.
If you have not the
Father, all that you
do stands against
the Father being sin
and the Father being
God Almighty in His
Righteous Judgment
cannot and will not
look upon you with
mercy in that
revealing day of his
Glorious Sons coming
for the gathering of
His children, those
who have died first
then those who stand
alive next but all
taken within a
twinkling of an eye.
But in all this
suffering and
prideful living, we
don’t have to stand
alone to face this
judgment and
condemnation, for we
have an attorney
(Jesus Christ), an
advocate standing
with powers far
above kings and
kings against kings,
ruling all as far
beyond the sights
that man could
endure to see or
imagine. Where by
Him in His
unwavering love,
will stand in our
place and speak of
the great sacrifice
that has been given
to cover our
sins.
There is no room for
Christ in our lives
while such bountiful
riches in our hearts
take weight to the
wants and desires of
this world in the
individual’s life.
You may fill as
though it’s too much
to give up - too
much has been done -
I have so much to
straighten out - if
only I can just put
this away. Take
this, my very words
to heart with all
sincerity that I
speak to you …
through the very
thoughts being of
the same mind in
times past that you
now have. I give
you this promise as
even the Father has
promised me and all
those who come to
Him unclean or
clean. You can at
anytime with a
sincere and
repentive heart call
upon the name of
Jesus Christ,
confessing your sins
no matter how big or
small they may be,
and in you will He
fill with His Holy
Spirit, renewing
your hearts in a new
birth ready for that
redeeming and
revealing day of
salvation for all
whom believe in the
Son of God.
Remember also this,
if by any means this
may comfort you. God
does not measure
salvation by the
weight that you
carry. Instead, the
Fathers Son Jesus
Christ enduring the
burdens of sin
throughout the world
died so that he
could lift that
weight off your
shoulders … carrying
it for you.
When I gave all that
I was to Jesus,
allowing his love to
bear my burdens. I
became free in
spirit and mind. I
can only pray and
look upon you with a
wishful heart that
you would share such
a gift with me,
being released and
having hope in the
now and ever after.
This testimony is
such a small piece
from that person you
may think you see.
But let me please
with love speak to
you with gratitude
thanking my Father
God almighty and the
Father of our
precious Lord Jesus
Christ, that by my
tribulations and
trials though they
be in many numbers,
they are the golden
cups by which I may
drink of for your
edification,
confirming the love
and patience of our
Father, tilling and
planting the purity
of truth into your
groaning hearts for
the revelation of
Jesus Christ your
Savoir and love,
that you by no means
search any excuse to
deny Him but by the
wants of your own
hearts condemning
yourselves to the
eternal condemnation
awaiting all those
that choose by
freewill “that”
which they can see,
leaving behind
“that” which they
cannot see bringing
the very words
“Faith and Hope” to
no avail.
I pray my most
precious love.
Please awaken a
dead, angry and
wounded heart out of
the condemnation of
eternal fire
awaiting those who
know you not and
give them the same
confirming hope that
you so graciously
blessed upon me.
Watch over them and
give them light to
see, circumcising
their minds for your
glory and their
understanding,
walking in
confidence on that
narrow road leading
to your kingdom.
Bless them Father.
Bless them even
from the very
concerns of my
heart, if it be your
will. In your Son’s
Blessed name I pray
for them Father, for
your Glory and
Kingdom will come,
in Your name will a
new earth be
revealed and may we
all find Your
welcoming arms
awaiting us in our
day of redemption.
Amen.
My sincerest prayers
and gratitude
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