What is more difficult for God: Raising someone physically from the dead … or raising a shattered life - a shattered marriage - and a shattered family - back to wholeness?   God has done, and continues to do, the latter with me, and I believe He wants me to share my story to give others hope.   

I call my testimony more one of a family restoration than anything else.  The fear of being misunderstood, or possibly offending someone else, has kept me from telling the whole story for a long time, but now I feel the Lord’s nudge to share it.  Nothing in my restoration should make anyone second guess their stand for their marriages, and if anything . . . my hope is to show that if the Lord can fix the absolute mess my family was in . . . then there is absolutely no situation he can’t make new and right and whole.

I believe the big difference in the situation I was in is - when I first started to fight for this family - is that I was not fighting to save a marriage that was falling apart:  I was fighting for a marriage that hadn’t yet come to pass. 

Please let me fully explain.  Both my husband Sean and I had been previously married.  I was married 12 years ago for a grand total of three months to a man I barely knew.  When that marriage failed, I knew nothing of restoration, or what God could do.  Sean was married also 12 years ago for about three years, and he also had no knowledge of who God really was or what He could do in his situation.  We weren’t practicing (totally devoted to God) Christians and nobody was fighting or standing for either marriage. 

God could have saved those marriages, had we come to Him, but we didn’t because of ignorance.  With that said, I now know better and understand the meaning of marriage covenant.  When I married this time, I knew the truth, and can no longer claim ignorance when things get hard, and just give up on the marriage. 

I have known my husband since the sixth grade.  Although we never dated, or even liked each other in that dating kind of way, I believe we had kind of a tie to each other.  We both fell into the same bad crowd in high school and both of us, along with several other people in that group, were kicked out of our homes because of our rebelliousness.  We all took up residence in an old carriage house together and did a lot of bad things to survive.  I believe during that time when we didn’t really feel like we had anybody to turn to, we bonded to each other.  We formed kind of a pseudo family (even if that “family” was very dysfunctional!). 

In time we all went our own ways and I didn’t speak to, or see Sean, for 13 years.  I moved to another city and went on to make many sinful choices.  I lived in the constant cycle of sowing and reaping a bad crop.  I became an unwed mother at the age of 19 and was stuck in a very abusive relationship.

Sean didn’t do so well either and actually spent quite a bit of time in prison.  Although I did get out of the abusive relationship with my son’s father, I went on to make some even worse choices.  As I stated earlier, I married a man I had no business marrying and at my most lost time I somehow allowed myself to become involved in a lesbian relationship.  Believe me, I cringe as I even admit this, but I believe God wants me to be open and transparent about this because the devil is using the lure of same-sex relationships more and more as a “loving, safe and secure” means for those who have been hurt by the opposite sex, whether in marriage, or from their childhood, or both.  

I want to say this, and then I’ll move on with my story.  I have painfully come to the realization that fighting with God for what is right according to how He sees things brings you a lot closer to Him than anything else I’ve discovered.   By the grace of God, I’m going to stick with what works best for me, from here on out, because having God help me fight my battles sure has worked a lot better for me and my family than having to fight battles on my own. 

I was so fortunate in that I have a brother that has been a Christian since he was a teenager, and I know that he has persistently prayed for me for years. It is because of his prayers and the sheer patience and grace of God that I am even alive today.  I am sure of that. 

Oh sure - I saw the wonderful things God was doing in my brother’s life, but for some reason I kept trying to do things my own way - no matter how bad those plans failed. 

I remember one conversation with my brother where he finally just asked me: “Christina, what is so great in your life right now that you are fighting to hold onto?  What do you have to lose by trusting God?”  Through the years I always remembered that, and even as it would play over and over in my head, I guess I still wasn’t broken enough.

By the time I crossed paths with Sean again, about six years ago (I'm writing this in 2006), we were both very damaged people, even if we couldn’t fully realize that.  I think when we first started talking and realizing that there was a definite attraction between us that we were looking for healing from each other, which was a big mistake.  Only God himself can provide the kind of healing we desperately needed.  We just didn’t know God well enough at that time to seek and trust Him for it.

Things moved very quickly and within five months he had moved to my city and into my home.  I became pregnant with my daughter a week after he moved in.  The next couple of years really are hard for me to think and talk about.  They were very dark and scary years. There was a lot of physical abuse, and emotionally, I think I had to become completely numb to survive.  I will spare you all the details because I don’t think that they matter as much as the outcome.  The situation was very bad, and looking in from the world’s point of view, there was zero chance of this ever turning out well.  Thankfully, God doesn’t rely on worldly opinions.

We stayed together for the next three years in an absolute state of chaos -- still trying to make something good that was based purely out of sin.  That’s not possible and things only continued to get worse. 

Our relationship hit a pivotal point in December of 2003.  Sean’s Dad unexpectedly died.  Sean had never known a healthy way to cope with pain, so the aftermath was horrendous.  It completely destroyed any tiny bit of good at all we might have had in our situation.  I acted very selfishly during that time and couldn’t stand that he was not at all focusing on me.  What an ugly person I had become, and I was no longer able to hide it.  We started going weeks without seeing each other or talking.  I would use manipulation to try and get my way during this time, and for the first time, it wasn’t working. 

Unknown to me at that time, Sean had gotten sucked into hard-core drug addiction.  He had dabbled from time to time, but this time it really took over his life.  The really sad part is that my kids, especially my daughter who adored her father, really paid a stiff price.  I wasn’t able to overcome my own pain, nor was Sean, and their broken hearts and confusion were always pushed aside, or just brushed over. 

For two months I continued to hit brick walls, and none of my old tricks had any effect anymore. 

February 15^th of 2004, it finally happened.  I cracked.  I cracked so hard that I think I actually heard the snapping noise in my head.  I was sitting on the front steps of my house feeling absolutely exhausted, destroyed and hopeless.  I looked at my life and realized that I really had messed up every single thing, and worse yet, was passing this on to my children.  I couldn’t stand being in my own skin anymore.  I just simply said, “Ok.  I give.  You have my attention now.  I’m so sorry for everything I have done, and I can’t change any of it. If you can see anything worth salvaging in this life, it’s Yours, Lord.”

At that moment I had two very distinct thoughts:  One - I thought that now that I was a Christian, my life would be full of sunshine, rainbows and butterflies, and no more worries or troubles would come my way.  Second - that God would take away all desire I had for this destructive and unhealthy relationship and that some day, He was going to send this "perfect man" into my life and I would live happily ever after.  I was very wrong! 

The second I walked back into my house, the phone rang.  It was Sean.  He ripped into me like never before.  The enemy knows our weaknesses and through Sean, he attacked every single lie I had ever believed about myself.  Everything from my physical flaws to who I really felt I was as a person -- all of it bad. 

I was devastated after that phone call and completely shocked.  Even in all the bad times, I never knew Sean felt these things about me.  I now know that it was the devil making an attempt to steer me away from what God had planned for me and us.  I had no awareness at that time about the battle between good and evil being waged against me personally, as well as Sean.

The next two months I was hanging by a string, but God got me through.  I hadn’t found a church yet, but I was reading a lot of Christian material and watching a lot of Christian shows on T.V.  -- still waiting for the sunshine and deliverance to come. 

Then it happened.  I didn’t know it at the time, but a series of events happened that changed my whole outlook on what God really wanted … and called me to do.  I was at work, and it had been about two weeks since one of Sean’s out-of-the-blue-attack-calls had come.  He usually called once a week to let me know how horrible I was.  This particular morning at work, there was an email from him basically saying that he was very far away, and could I call his boss and have her Western Union his check.  I panicked a little and called his Mom.  It was then that I found out he had taken off and nobody knew where he was.  It scared me a lot and I realized that in spite of everything, I still really cared about this man. 

I left work that instant and drove to every seedy, drug-infested place I could think of.  I talked to people that might have seen him and through the course of that day, found out about his addiction to Crystal Meth and the secret life he had been living.  I didn’t know what to do, and I guess in the world’s view, that is when I should have thanked my “lucky stars” (there is no such thing, by the way), that we were no longer together and claimed that relationship dead.  I didn’t. 

I went home and turned on the Christian channel.  There was an 800-number for prayer on the screen so I called and the lady prayed with me.  I then spent the next hour on my knees sobbing and praying.  It was at that time I took a stand.  I said “God I don’t know what is happening, but I do know that I will spend everyday for the rest of my life praying for this man if I have to.  I will not let the enemy have him.”

Something was birthed in me from that moment.  The scales were peeled from my eyes and I saw so clearly how the devil had stolen so much from my children and I, and I wasn’t going to let him take one more thing.  I may not have been married, but this was my family!  My daughter wasn’t going to lose her father and my son was not going to lose the only father-figure he had ever had.  I had absolutely had it and I was going to fight! 

God turned me into a praying warrior.  I was the persistent widow the Bible speaks of.  I was the fervent praying righteous man (woman) that would avail much.  (See: James 5:16).   I sowed in tears so that I could reap the joy.  I dug in with a tenacity I have never known in my life, and this time I was guaranteed a victory because my God said so and that promise was not just for “special” perfect people.  It was meant for me as well! 

Since I wasn’t yet his wife, everything I claimed, I had to do by faith.  I had to pray by faith for my future husband and family.  I had to change prayers to say my future husband.  I felt silly sometimes, but I just kept claiming in Jesus name that God was going to be glorified through all this, and that my family and future marriage would be totally restored.

I found a church, invested in some great Christian books, spoke faith to anyone who would listen, and hung onto God for dear life.  It was definitely not easy and sometimes really, really scary.  The devil doesn’t like it when you start messing with his favorite people and I had hit a nerve.  I stood my ground though and as much as I wanted to run from this spiritual battle ... many times ... God always held me in place. 

This time was also a very sweet time with Jesus as well.  It seems that when we are at our saddest and lowest times … then He is able to reveal himself in such tender, special ways.  (Maybe it's just because we have to be desperate enough before we are willing to do things His way, instead of the way we want Him to do things; all I know is that He'll be there to comfort you at your lowest point).  He even sang to me on Mother’s Day.  Nobody believes me on this one, but He did and I remember the song.  He also did a lot of work on me.  I no longer relied on my old ways to control the situations, and He put a love in my heart that was pure.  I had the strength to not go back to the old way of life, no matter how tempting it seemed.  I was in a different situation in that the few times Sean did want to come back, I couldn’t just submit and go back to living in sexual sin.  I had to wait for the marriage, which is God's highest standard.  Jesus did so many jaw-dropping things during this time - I can’t even begin to explain them all.

Roughly ten months later … I was married to a saved, sober and thankful man!  Our family, though not even close to perfect, is healing and changing and most importantly - together.  We have had some tough trials and we also have continued to reap from some of the bad decisions we made in the past, but we are getting through it with the Lord’s loving guidance.  My daughter has her Daddy, and my son - who is older - got to see that God did do what He said He would do. That lesson is priceless. God was faithful even to two really messed up people like us, and that, my friends, should put to rest any fears about what He can do for you and your family.

The one problem I did come across during this time is finding support for a situation like mine.  There are plenty of marriage restoration sites, but I could find none for the “not yet married” people.  I am not saying that in all situations like this, God’s plan is the same as it was for us.  You need to hear clearly from God about your own particular situation before you start praying and believing and confessing God to bring breakthrough for you.  But I am willing to bet that there are others that do want to put their foot down and make their illegitimate families whole and right in God’s eyes and those people need hope too.  They need to know that God cares about their situation as well.  I couldn’t even find pastors to support me during this time.  I don’t fault them, but it really left me with nowhere to turn for any kind of fellowship or comfort.  It was truly just me and God, and one dear lady agreed to be my prayer partner, even though she didn’t deep down think this would turn out the way I was hoping, and understandably so, because Sean and my situation fell outside clear Biblical guidelines God has given Christians to live by and make our decisions on.   Because Sean and I had lived in sexual fornication prior to marriage, God was not obligated to honor my prayers and trust, had He not given me specific direction to fight for our relationship and trust Him to bring it together.   

Whoever you are, whatever your circumstances . . . if God puts it on your heart to do something (you will know, in faith of course) then just be faithful and persistently keep doing it.   No person can assume to know better than God and tell you it will never happen.  If God makes you a promise it is His responsibility to take care of the details and how it will come about.  All you can do is be prayerful, faithful, obedient, and persistent, standing firm.  He really does take care of the rest. 

God bless you and I want to encourage you with this promise from God: 

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  (1 Peter 5:10 NIV).

If you would like to email my husband and/or I, please feel free to do that at:  christinazakrzewski@yahoo.com.